I don’t want to pass my feelings of doom onto my children

Q: I’m a man in my late 40s, married, with a son in high school and daughter in middle school. I love and am devoted to my family. I work two demanding jobs to provide them with a decent home, and some extras which I believe are necessary for their emotional and physical health — sports activities, some music education, exploring both our complex city and nature outdoors. My wife, also late 40s, is, in my view, more beautiful and interesting than ever. She’s fit and active, works parttime and creates crafts for pleasure. We have very different backgrounds — upbringing, religion, race, you name it. Our relationship is sometimes strained by these differences, mostly when we disagree on something. Usually it turns out to be small stuff compared to our commitment to work it out (or just drop it). What’s my problem? I worry about the years ahead. Call it climate change or whatever, there are obvious, growing and damaging threats to the environment. Politics is increasingly divided to the point of extremes. It’s hard to separate facts from bias and scare stories. Greed seems to dominate the decisions of all major companies that affect our lives and influence even government’s policies. Sometimes I feel that all my efforts to raise strong, intelligent kids who can handle all these major changes are useless. How do I deal with these personal feelings without passing fear and pessimism onto my children?

One Man’s View

A: Like the ship’s captain in movies sometimes says, “Steady as she goes.”

You and your wife co-captain your “family ship,” and you need to keep it steady, and on the wise course that you’ve already set to enhance your children’s emotional and physical health.

But it won’t get the desired results if

you sink into depression over fears for the future.

Your children’s generation will face many of the changes you mention, and others you and I still don’t know about.

They’re already growing up with more awareness of challenges ahead than you realize, given immediate access to worldwide events on their smartphones and whatever other technology they see/hear/explore.

That’s why they need their parents to be informed, and aware of the different sides of controversial events and ideas.

When major events occur — e.g. a health threat as with the current outbreak of coronavirus disease (COVID-19) — you and your wife need to discuss the facts with the kids — such as how the virus is passed, when preventive masks are needed and when they’re not.

And since children often hear false information along with mean taunts for example: the xenophobia that arose because the virus first appeared in China, the issue of racism also needs to be discussed.

Your kids need to be confident that they can turn to you for the right information, when they hear the inevitable scare stories.

However, if your own fears interfere with your ability to distinguish between was the fake and what is real, it’s time for counselling.

And if your depression persists, see your doctor.

Addressing your fears and seeking help against the negativity these fears create, will strengthen your ability to guide and lead your children through whatever difficulties they may face.

Your support and your actions in the present is what they’ll fall back on when they are adults dealing with complex issues and problems requiring them to get informed and act.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Children need their parents to discuss, age-appropriately, the issues of the day with them, to build informed awareness and combat fears.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.