Your coronavirus courtship gives you room to grow

Q: It took me four years after my husband died to consider dating. I was 50. We’d been together since high school. I had two dates (divorced men) through friends, and thought, never again. They wanted a “better” No. 2 wife. I wanted my best friend and lover back. Then I met someone whose wife had passed three years ago. He said there was no pressure to try to find “the one” again. We’d both already had that great luck. What we needed now, he said, was good company, good conversation, doing things we’d enjoy together. Soon, we were dating. We even spent three days and nights away together in the countryside. After that, he sometimes stayed over at my place after we’d been out somewhere. We both have adult kids in their 20s and 30s (he’s 60), so we didn’t push toward living together. We just understood that we were in a relationship. Then the pandemic took over our lives. He stayed at his place. Once that first decision was made, we could no longer get together in person. Oddly, we’re still a couple. We have dinner “together” a few nights a week, online. We screen some of the same movies and series so we can discuss them later. What do you make of this way of dating while mostly “isolating (alone) at home?” A Widow’s Story A: It’s a coronavirus courtship, a relationship of its time and place, a way of keeping safe, both in your state of health and your emotions.

You two weren’t ready for a full-on livetogether lifestyle. Too much history of deep prior attachment still guiding the pace and course of your postmodern dating style.

While COVID-19’s infection and death have affected the social behaviour of all

ages, for some daters, an enforced break from swiping into a stranger’s bed, isn’t a bad thing.

Boring and frustrating, no doubt, for many young and millennial singles, but safe for older adults. Yet, importantly, it offers time for building trust and respect into stronger relationships.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding a mother of three sending her six-year old daughter to her parents (April 28):

As a midwife, I immediately thought the mother may be suffering from post-partum depression and needs support, not chastisement. I’ve too often seen mothers become unable to cope, because of the very real mental illness of a perinatal mood disorder.

Having a new baby, along with a toddler and an older child, may’ve been too much for this mother, who may not be “lazy” at all (as described by her husband’s aunt), but ill and in need of immediate help.

Her complaints may be a cry for help, and she may be in danger of harming herself or her remaining children. There are many red flags in this letter.

There are numerous supports available in most communities, with experience in assessing and referring people with this disorder, who can give this mother the help she needs.

At the very least, if this is not the case, it sounds like this family could use some extra help.

The Aunt should speak to her nephew, the woman’s husband, and recommend consulting a care provider, crisis line, Community Health Centre, or mental health service in order to assess the situation more completely and offer help if needed.

From Teresa Bandrowska, RM, lead midwife at the Ottawa Birth and Wellness Centre, who also offers these links with resources about perinatal mental health: www.heretohelp.bc.ca www.facebook.com/groups/maternalmhmatterssupportgroup/;

www.postpartum.net Ellie’s tip of the day

Dating during COVID-19 gives some relationships room to grow.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.