Husband and wife need to work through retirement plans
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for 25 years.
He has decided that he will retire in three years. He is in a union and has a good retirement plan through his company.
I have been working the entire time of our marriage, but my company does not have a retirement plan. So I will have to continue to work while he is retired, and I imagine that I will be working for the rest of my life to keep up with the bills.
My husband also carries our health insurance through his work, so now the expense of the health insurance will be an added expense for us.
I am feeling quite angry over his decision to retire, leaving me to work.
I have tried to discuss this, but he states it is not up for discussion. He says he’s done with working, period.
I just can’t seem to cope with my anger, and the feeling that I will spend the rest of my life getting up every morning and going to work while he leads the easy life.
What can I do to get him to see things from my point of view — that as a couple, we should be able to retire together, and not just me working until the day I die? — FRUSTRATED WORKING WIFE
Dear Frustrated: You don’t provide details, but yes, this seems at its core a relationship issue. It is hard to imagine a secure and healthy marriage where one partner refuses to share his earned resources toward supporting the household. But you seem to want him to continue working past his retirement window — and if so, why? And if you are (perhaps) younger, why should you retire at the same time as he?
Each of you should maximize your earning years.
You should see a financial planner to take a look at your own income, expenses, debt and retirement income from Social Security and (possibly) savings. Generally speaking, in case of divorce, pensions earned during the marriage are considered a shared marital asset (your husband doesn’t seem to realize this).
A marriage counselor could help you two learn to negotiate. You both seem somewhat intractable. If he refuses to discuss this or strategize with you, you might find going to work preferable to spending leisure time with him.
Dear Amy: I’m a 61-year-old guy. I’m not married and I have no children. I regularly run into this cute girl (who is about 25) at a park where we both work out. We make passing comments to each other. Most of the time she is friendly toward me. I would like to ask her out. Do you think our age difference is too great or would it be OK to ask her out? I am in good shape because I work out most days, so I look about 10 years younger than I am. — OLDER BUT YOUNG IN CHARLOTTE
Dear Older: Even assuming the possibility that your running friend is 10 years older than you suppose, yes, your age difference is extreme.
However, if you are both available and consenting adults, then you are both free to do whatever you want.
Moving from the stage of strangers passing on the trail to asking her out is too great a leap even for a fast-moving and fit guy like you. If you’d like to get to know her better, you should start by asking her if she would like to run with (not past) you.
Dear Amy: You never see things from a man’s point of view. “Hurt” reported that while out with his girlfriend, a male friend grabbed her backside repeatedly. After she told him about this, he punched out the guy who did it. Now she’s mad at the boyfriend!
You told him he disrespected her. What a crock! — DISAPPOINTED
Dear Disappointed: I can’t actually see things from a man’s point of view, but I can reflect a woman’s with some authority: We don’t always want men to settle our scores for us.
Dear Amy: My son is 27 years old. He is extremely smart and has exhibited an interest in avionics from the age of 4. One of the first words he learned was “fuselage.”
He has had one formal flight lesson, and I always thought he would pursue a pilot’s career. From the age of 16, he has held meager low-level minimum wage jobs, even though he calls himself a “genius.”
He went to junior college and two years at a state university, but dropped out. Then he went to work at a hardware store. I am so disappointed in him and his lack of ambition. He has social anxiety as well, and has never had a girlfriend.
I had a great job for many years, but my son lives with his father, who drives a truck. I think he has no motivation or ambition, and it has driven a wedge between us.
I have emailed him about vocational airline mechanic schools where he could learn a trade and have a career, but he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t answer me. I feel so sad for him and the man that he could become. Should I just back off (which I have for years) or continue to encourage him? He doesn’t seem interested. — DISAPPOINTED MOTHER
Dear Mother: You don’t seem to really know what kind of man your son has become, because you are focused squarely on your own disappointments — professionally and personally — that you might not know what he is good at. He might be “salesman of the year” at the hardware store, and yet you are pushing him to go to work with airplanes. If he responded to you, he might say, “If you are so eager about airplane mechanics school, mom — why don’t YOU go?”
Your son might be wrestling with anxiety or other issues that you don’t know about. But if he has held a job for a substantial period of time, you should be satisfied that he is doing what he wants to do — unless he tells you otherwise.
Your son is an adult, not a little child whom you can try to mold to fit your version of what success is. You should back off and set aside your own dreams for him. Take him as he is — and start there to build a relationship. If you are more accepting now, he might be more open to your influence down the road.
Dear Amy: I am 27 years old. I have always been a daddy’s girl. My dad and I were extremely close until his passing almost three years ago after a three-year battle with cancer.
Before this, my parents had been married for 30 years. Recently my mother has been talking on her phone way more than usual, and I asked my sister whom she was talking to. Apparently this guy has been coming around and taking her on trips out of town and such.
When I first heard this I was very bothered. I’m writing because my boyfriend is saying I’m being selfish for not approving of this. I’m still grieving, so why isn’t she? Please help me understand and be possibly close to being OK with this. Is my boyfriend right? — DADDY’S GIRL.
Dear Girl: I don’t think you really know how your mother is feeling, because you two don’t seem to have talked about it.
Should your mother’s grief prevent her from ever spending time with another person ever again? Should your mother grieve alone — while you get to grieve in the presence of your partner? Should your mother’s grief be exactly like yours?
Sometimes, grief feels like fear. But the primary thing to remember when you are suffering a loss is: Be gentle. Be gentle with yourself and gentle toward others. Reach out to her and hold your harsh judgment.
Dear Amy: My heart broke when I read the letter from “Brotherly Problems,” who had become estranged from his brother after arguing over politics.
I think it’s really important to remember in this heated political season that we all need to be civil. — READER
Dear Reader: Politicians will come and go. We really let the bad guys win if we allow political differences to overwhelm otherwise healthy relationships.