The Peterborough Examiner

Survivor of abusive relationsh­ips searches for one more

- AMY DICKINSON Ask Amy askamy@tribune.com @askingamy

Dear Amy: I am a woman in my 40s who was married twice. Both marriages were abusive.

I have done a lot of work in overcoming these relationsh­ips, which included not dating anyone for over five years. Then I met HIM.

It was mostly a sexual relationsh­ip and he awakened me in many other ways I had never experience­d before.

It was clear from the beginning that he didn’t want a commitment, but over time he would act and talk as if we had a commitment.

Then I learned of his other life. This includes an ex-wife and a child he lives with. He told me he is legally married to another woman to help her acquire citizenshi­p. He also spends time with other lovers. I was devastated.

I had decided to say goodbye. After some time he claimed to have missed me. I went back twice and essentiall­y asked him to make a choice. He didn’t choose me, but we carried on our affair. I then learned he gave me herpes despite practicing (mostly) safe sex. He has decided that we cannot talk anymore. Should I confront him again? I am extremely lonely, and finding another man has been quite challengin­g considerin­g all my baggage.

I have tried and have even met other men, but I either find them quite boring (i.e. safe) or find myself comparing them to the past. — LONELY IN NEW YORK

Dear Lonely: You say you have done a lot of work to overcome past abusive relationsh­ips, but evidently you have not done enough work to overcome — and avoid — your own terrible choices.

Every single thing you recount about this man tells me that, despite his obvious bad character, he has been relatively upfront with you. He consistent­ly refuses to have the kind of relationsh­ip you want to have.

If you want to affect the outcome in future relationsh­ips, you not only will need to “get over” past relationsh­ips, but will need to change your own behaviour to avoid such relationsh­ips.

There are scores of wonderful, nice, kind and sweet men out there, but as long as you find kindness and respect “boring,” you will continue to choose men who deplete and disrespect you. When it comes to finding the right partner, my advice is to choose wisely, and act kindly.

You might benefit from reading What Smart Women Know, by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol (2000, M. Evans & Company). The authors offer witty (and occasional­ly wise) commentary and advice, which might inspire you to behave differentl­y.

Dear Amy: I have been in contact with an old high school friend for nine years. I do not wish to be in contact with her and I told her that via email.

She ignored my request and emailed me back against my wishes. She called me at 5:30 a.m., knowing I did not like her calling at that hour.

This person is unreliable. She does not do what she says she is going to do. She is irresponsi­ble and, frankly, gets on my nerves.

I have done everything to end my contact with her and she ignores my requests to leave me alone.

What do I do? I never answer the phone when she calls. — FRUSTRATED

Dear Frustrated: Technology has made it very easy for people to find one another. But the same tools your former friend uses to contact you can be customized to avoid or ignore her.

Check your email server’s settings and have all emails from this person’s address directed to the “spam” or “trash” folder. If you use a smartphone, you can assign this person’s number to be “blocked” or “ignored.”

I suggest you do this without further conversati­on with her about it.

Dear Amy: “Guilty Daughter” had a very silly problem. Her mother gave her a heart-shaped paperweigh­t for her first anniversar­y and she didn’t like it.

Did it occur to her that perhaps her mother was so adamant about this gift because paper is the traditiona­l gift for a first anniversar­y? — TRADITIONA­LIST

Dear Traditiona­list: It didn’t occur to me either. But I think you’re right about the mother’s motivation.

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