Elderly mother is stressed by Sis’ calls

Dear Amy: My mom is nearly 90 and is in great health.

She is living with my husband and me — and we all get along well in our small home.

My older sister had been taking care of her but called nearly two years ago and proclaimed that Mom had to move in with us, as she could take NO responsibility for her because she had her own life to live.

Big Sis moved across the country to be with a man she met online — one in a long line of “soul mates.”

She now hates this man, but is scared to leave due to ruined credit, no job and nowhere to go.

She calls Mom daily with tales of how awful her partner is, but how she can’t leave.

All of her friends and her counselor have advised her on ways to exit, but she seems to prefer to stay and whine about her life. I understand it is scary to start over.

These calls are very stressful for Mom; and when she is stressed I am stressed, as stress for her often leads to illness.

Should ask Sis not to call, or if she does call, to just pretend everything is fine? Mom’s radar regarding her children is legendary and she would then worry about why Sis is no longer talking about her miserable life.

Is there a middle ground? — TRICKLE DOWN STRESS

Dear Trickle Down: You should do two things: Ask your sister to be aware of the impact her daily narration has on your mother. Tell her, “She worries excessively about you and ruminates on your situation. This is affecting her health. Can you be more mindful of this when you talk to her?” She needn’t pretend that her life is perfect, but she could change her tone if she wanted to.

Your second focus should be on helping your mother to manage her own stress. Continue to reassure her that your sister has options, and that she is just blowing off steam. Simple meditation techniques could help both of you: Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and visualize releasing these stressors as little balloons or butterflies that flutter skyward.