Adult daughter of alcoholic continues to struggle

Dear Amy: I am an adult professional woman with two teenage children. I am divorced, and the survivor of an abusive alcoholic mother.

I have been through years of counselling and have struggled with anxiety my entire life. My relationship with my mother has always been my burden.

As my children have gotten older, my mom’s health has deteriorated. She doesn’t call or attend birthday parties or sporting events, and tries to put the burden on me. I have not had a mother for most of my life and she doesn’t seem to care.

Now that she is sick from her chosen lifestyle, she wants again to pull us toward her because she needs us, not because she wants to make amends or apologize.

People view me as cold-hearted, but I let her abuse me until I had children and only then was I able to pull away. All I ever wanted was for her to love me.

She has broken my heart so many times and affected all of my relationships because when the only person on earth who is supposed to love you abuses and rejects you, you’re afraid to love.

I’m going to a psychiatrist and a counselor and they say to protect myself and to go with my heart. I’m so conflicted. I really don’t like her, but she is my mother. I’ve spent 46 years of my life trying to please her, and she just disappoints me.

What do you think? Do I keep trying, or just move on with my life? — ANGRY IN IOWA Dear Angry: Moving on starts with acceptance. You need to accept your bad luck at growing up in the household of an alcoholic parent. You deserved better — everyone does — but you didn’t get the parent you deserved to have (but your own children did — lucky them!).

Please don’t let your childhood define you for the rest of your life. Being a good parent and a good person should define you now.

After acceptance, you work on detachment. You can’t fix your mother, and you can’t change her. You cannot rewrite the past, you can’t rewire your mother’s brain, and you can’t cure her disease.

You should attempt to have the relationship YOU want to have — and that includes no relationship.

Your desire to fix things, while wrestling with conflicted feelings, is common for adult children of alcoholics. In addition to your therapy, you should research and seek support from others who understand your challenges, through Al-anon or another support group.

Read “After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood Trauma,” by Jane Middleton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell. (HCI, 2010).

Dear Amy: I am currently living with my daughter, her hubby and their children. I came here because when my husband passed away, I was unable to get an apartment.

My daughter and her husband graciously offered a room to me; it was a good feeling to know I wasn’t alone at this time.

I feel that the time has come for me to move on. Unfortunately, this brings up the problem of finances.

I have been living on Social Security, and now with the upcoming presidential election, there is a lot of talk about this program and others being cut back, or worse, cut completely.

I’m so confused. I don’t want to make a bigger mistake by moving out. This is not a decision that I can just jump into. What do you think I should do? — RUNNING IN CIRCLES Dear Running: You should enlist your daughter’s help to research housing options in your area. Where I live, you can apply for subsidized housing specifically intended for low-income seniors.

It is sensible to try to anticipate possible changes in your benefits, but I don’t think Social Security is going to go away anytime soon.

Regardless, you should do your research and apply soon — the process might take several months.

Moving into a community of elders could be a positive life change for you, and I hope you’ll bravely try to make this happen.

Dear Amy: When my late father was ill, I always appreciated hearing comments from friends who visited Dad, since I didn’t live with him.

It helped me adjust the level of care and change what I did for him.

I’ve had two occasions where I have noticed some concerning things about the parents of two of my friends. I shared my observations with these friends, and both did not receive it very well.

Mostly they were shocked to find out their parents were exhibiting odd behavior or had such strong dementia they could be a driving hazard.

I truly felt that I was helping the greater good by mentioning to their families what I had noticed, or been told, or experienced. I think something had to be said. I was kind and factual. One friend has completely stopped speaking to me, and the second one decidedly cooled our long friendship.

In the future, I honestly don’t know what to do. — CONCERNED IN CA Dear Concerned: You mention passing along things you “had noticed, or been told, or experienced.”

There is a big difference between reporting something you have personally observed, versus something you have been told. In the first case, you are a first-person witness. In the second, you are a gossip.

You should re-examine how you are delivering this news. Being kind and factual is great. But you should start by preparing the person for the news by demonstrating that you understand how challenging it can be to receive it.

For example: “When my father was becoming more frail, I really appreciated learning what other people observed when they saw him. Sometimes it was hard, because I wasn’t there to see for myself. I just visited with your dad and noticed some things. Do you want me to share this with you?”

The person may not be prepared in that moment to talk about it, but might later. Offer assurances: “I just want you to know, I’ve been there. I know it’s hard.”