Top 5 reasons to avoid a New Year’s Eve binge
Just in time, here are my Top 5 reasons to avoid New Year’s binging at a downtown bar.
Enjoy (as they say), responsibly.
5. Discovering that you’ve become a permanent, visible citizen of Regretville (Back in the day, that hoary phrase itself is a giveaway that I’m over 50).
When up to booze-fuelled highjinks in a bar, you didn’t have to worry about someone grabbing an embarrassing image of you and sharing it with the entire world. Folks were free to conjure up all kinds of idiocy at New Year’s Eve parties in public places. This activity, roaring on the twin engines of invincibility and more invincibility, would hit glorious heights before transforming itself into three stomach-muscle-twisting minutes that would produce busy little lakes glistening on whatever sidewalk the hurler happened to be bending over. Do that in Downtown Barrie at 1:55 a.m. this Sunday and you’ll be the latest reluctant star on Facebook and Twitter -- starting at around 1:57 a.m. this Sunday.
4. That whole self-improvement deal
Throwing back too much booze at a bar can potentially lead to that rare introspective moment just beyond the din, the one where you feel confident enough for a quick internal inventory. That, in turn, can lead to a whole list of solemn self-improvement vows. And then Mar. 30 shows up and not a darned thing has changed. All I’m saying is, if you’re going to stumble anyway, at least don’t make the annual mistake of wasting time planning to change. Just be content with who you are, try not to be baffled by this strange post-truth planet and don’t fall for politicians who spew venom in pursuit of power. If it’s religion you’re looking for but can’t get past the fact that religion just ain’t for you, remind yourself of the Dalai Lama’s outlook: “My religion is simple. My religion is kindness.”
3. Dealing with that ugly fog you want to believe should be a surprise but know deep down you deserve
Listen up. Do you really want to be one of those people who actually are compelled to Google “Hangover Cures That Actually Work”? No, you don’t. Oh sure, you say, you live alone and no one will ever know you stooped to such desperation. Well, you will. And you will bug you about it, endlessly. The absolute best cure for a hangover, by the way, is to not be engulfed by one in the first place.
2. Potentially facing the awful curse of not remembering someone’s name when really, you should
You’re at a bar, on your way to the can in a bladder situation that sat at a benign green for the last 35 minutes but is now threatening to escalate from yellow to screaming red, when someone suddenly leaps out from 1981, grabs you, hugs you, looks you in the eye, calls you by your first name, says they haven’t seen you since that crazy Eastview grad party, tells you they’re married, have four kids and what are you doing now? What you’re doing now is praying that you guess the person’s name correctly while also praying for a convincing explanation for those fresh, dark, random splotches on those new jeans of yours.
1. The cozy, comfortable convenience of staying home and watching TV
Remember last year’s Times Square New Year’s Eve special with Anderson Cooper and that co-host who really seemed to like the sound of her own voice? I do. I wonder what’s happening at the downtown bars this Saturday night.