Should mom tell about teen’s risky business?
Dear Amy: My 18-yearold daughter and I had dinner with another mother and her daughter recently. We’ve known one another since the girls were in kindergarten.
The daughters went to different high schools and aren’t terribly close, but we still see them on occasion and consider them friends. The mother and I are closer than the girls are.
Both girls are preparing to attend college out of state.
Away from the dinner table, in private, the other girl told my daughter that she is on Tinder and “flirts” with an older man. She says the man is 27.
She told my daughter that she sends him nude pictures of herself, and he sends her sexually explicit pictures of himself.
My daughter is shocked by this. I’m not sure how common this sort of thing is with young women their age. Should I tell my friend what my daughter reported?
I would really appreciate your advice. — WONDERING MOM Dear Wondering: If you and this other mother are close friends, you need to approach this by asking yourself if you would want this sort of information about your own daughter. (I would, by the way.)
Both girls are headed to college, where presumably they will each have the freedom to make all sorts of choices — good and bad. As they head out into the world, parents should arm them with as much guidance and wisdom as they can manage.
Your daughter told you this for a reason. You should contact your friend and neutrally report what your daughter told you. Tell her, “I’m telling you this because I would want to know.” Don’t pile on with judgment or any specific reaction, and leave it to this other parent to decide what to do about it, if anything.
The daughters’ friendship, which is not close now, will likely end. I hope that you and this other mother can face this challenge to your own relationship with maturity.
Dear Amy: I’m a 30-yearold doctor. I’ve been dating a woman for two weeks, though I’ve known her for a couple of months. She is funny, sexy, geeky, artistic, brilliant, and completely unlike other women I’ve dated (other doctors of similar social standing, etc.).
She tells me I make her feel safe — significant because she is a rape survivor and is getting treatment for an anxiety disorder (not from me). She makes me want to drink less after a stressful workday.
I am going to marry this woman. My question: Is it too soon to propose? — ALREADY COMMITTED Dear Already Committed: Yes, it is too soon to propose marriage. You may have already decided that this is your future wife, but given your girlfriend’s substantial challenges in recovery, you should both proceed carefully, tenderly, and enjoy every moment of your courtship.
Your comment about drinking less after a stressful workday implies that your drinking is an issue for you, and that this relationship is something of a lifeboat. I believe that all of us who fall deeply in love find that our love object makes us want to be a better, healthier person. This is a grand opportunity for some deep change in your life, and I hope you will embrace not only this woman, but also the positive changes this relationship inspires.