Too early in our relationship to say I love her?
Dear Tessa,
I’m falling for this beautiful, kind, funny, talented woman and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I should tell her because our relationship so far has already moved pretty fast, but I can’t help myself when I’m around her. When I’m with her everything gets better. You know when people ask you “what do you look for in a partner?” Well she is everything; everything I’ve ever wanted.
I guess I’m just wondering what you think I should do. Do you think I should tell her or wait a little longer?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Hey there, Anonymous,
Thanks so much for taking a beat to write in and let yourself sit with your emotions before taking any action. Things like these can be difficult for me to answer because telling someone you’re falling in love with them or that you have fallen in love with them is a very personal choice, but with my philosophies about life and love and everything that comes with those things, hopefully I’m able to help you reach a decision.
Personally, I think you should tell her. Not just because it’s what you want to do but because life is just too short. I believe that if you feel something - and this goes for any emotion - you should let whoever is important to you know. This will benefit both you and your girl because your communication will strengthen and trust will grow even more, like flowers in a garden. Even if she weren’t to say it back to you right away, nothing bad can ever come from telling someone you love them - people love to hear that because it makes them feel worthy of their existence and it makes them feel safe. This goes to anyone else out there too: don’t be afraid to ‘overuse’ ‘i love you’ because it can never be overused.
I think the fact that you haven’t been together for that long doesn’t make a difference. You can know someone for a few years and it might not be the someone you’ve known for a month or two - every person you have a relationship with (platonically or romantically) is going to have a different effect on you.
It’s very easy to fall in love with someone before you know them completely, but even when you do know them, you will still be learning new things about them everyday because they will always be changing and growing - and so will you. The beauty with life is that you’re never the same person you were yesterday, or to put it in more philosophical terms, you can never step in the same river twice. If you’re feeling love, don’t cut down the feeling in half just to make everyone else more comfortable; by all means fall deeply and wholeheartedly if you think you love her and can trust her with your heart, because your life could end tomorrow but you’d never know that today.
As for answering the question: what is love? It’s impossible because of how individual it is. It’s like a basic socratic question that can be asked over and over again to hundreds of different people, but never successfully answered because everyone has a different idea of what it is. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think you can ever be too young to be in love. The perception that falling in love is bad because it’s distracting or makes your self-care shift to another person as well as yourself, only comes from people who’ve never truly loved or been too afraid to. Love is the only thing in this world that knows no boundaries, has no eyes, and is completely non-discriminatory. How could you possibly want to push that away?
Falling is horrifying, no matter how comfortable you are with the person you’re with. They might just be three little words, but they show in the smallest acts you make, the smallest things you notice, and the way you know how to take care of her without her even having to tell you.
If you love her, let her know. Chances are she might already know and feel the same about you because your actions have already shown your compassion. She’s a very lucky girl, and I wish you two the best as I sit here and type, helping you make a choice I think you already know you’ve decided.
Sending love,
Tessa Smith