‘Friends with benefits’ relationship has few benefits

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been on/ off for the last five years.

During the time we were apart, he had another girlfriend. I didn’t know about her. He and I maintained a “friends with benefits” relationship during our breaks.

After I became pregnant with his child, I found out that they were very serious. I learned that she was pregnant, too. Our sons were born nine days apart.

They are no longer together, and he and I are trying to work things out, but I can’t seem to let their relationship go.

I know that Facebook isn’t “life,” but it bothers me that their entire relationship was broadcast on FB, but he won’t even acknowledge us as being in a relationship.

He has never posted a picture of us or of our son.

He says he’s ashamed of himself (not of me), but I can’t help but feel like he’s not being truthful. I think he’s ashamed of me.

He tells me all the time: “You’re not her,” which makes me feel like he wishes he wasn’t with me. He says I’m being insecure, and that he’s never going to care about Facebook.

I just don’t get why he could care about his Facebook status when he was with her, but not with me?

Am I being stupid? — WORRIED

Dear Worried: When you ask me if you’re being “stupid,” you run the risk of supplying me with a descriptor I’d rather not apply to a woman with a young child. However, this whole situation is unfortunate — because Rome is burning and you’re worried about your Facebook status.

I do agree that this status is a sign of where your guy’s priorities are, and while I’m not inclined to side with him, I do appreciate his embarrassment over fathering two babies (days apart) with two different women. Yes, he should feel embarrassed. He deceived both women (I imagine), and now his ability to be a good parent to both of his sons is compromised because one baby’s mother is insecure and threatened by the other. This impedes his ability to be present in his sons’ lives.

Your guy is not in charge of Facebook. You should post whatever photos you want the world to see. When people start to realize that your partner has two sons the same age with different women, he (and you) will face some questions.

Please understand that parenthood will not magically change your guy’s character. You should get all of your legal, custodial and financial ducks in a row regarding the child, encourage this man to be a good father to both of his children, but understand that he may not intend to lead a monogamous life.

Dear Readers: My own life is probably a lot like yours. I’ve experienced poverty, prosperity, marriage, divorce, remarriage, step-parenting, caretaking, loss and grief. If you’ve ever been curious about the life behind the advice column, I hope you’ll consider picking up my memoir, Strangers Tend to Tell Me Things: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Coming Home. (2017, Hachette).