Future mother-in-law is a spoiler

Dear Amy: My fiance and I have been together for 10 years.

I have always had a rough relationship with my future in-laws, but this came to a head when my fiance’s mother took him to lunch in order to tell him that she thought he was better off without me.

She said I was controlling, told him how much his sister dislikes me and how she feels I am taking him from his family. When my fiance told me what his mother said, I was heartbroken.

I don’t understand why they think I am controlling, but I don’t know how to change their perception of me. His family should not be involved in our decision-making for our lives, just as my family should not be.

His sister continues to ostracize me from the family, and since she is close to his mother, I feel as if she is influencing the family’s perceptions about me.

She has been very rude to me.

I dread seeing these people because I know I am going to be scrutinized and judged.

Our wedding is in a few months. He wants us both to try, but they have never tried to get to know me. I don’t want to deal with their negativity for the rest of my life, and I don’t have faith that they will try to bridge the gap. I am unsure of how to move on from this. — IN-LAW TROUBLE

Dear Trouble: I realize that you have in-law trouble, but you don’t seem to realize that you also have fiance trouble.

His mother thinks he would be better off without you. She mentioned that you are not liked by various members of his family. What, pray tell, was his motivation in repeating this to you?

What is achieved by you knowing this? Other than running home and telling you about this trashing, how did he react toward his mother in the moment? Is he using her low estimation of you as a way to communicate his own feelings or concerns about you?

You should do some soul-searching and — if there is room for improvement in your own behaviour — you should figure out how to behave in a way that is both neutral and respectful. In short, you should demonstrate the sort of behaviour you would like to see from his family members.

It will (obviously) be necessary for him to ask for/demand/ expect his family members to treat you with respect when they are with you, and not trash you when they are not with you.

You may think that because you have been together for a decade, you don’t need premarital relationship counselling, but you do — desperately.

Also read, Things I Wish

I’d Known Before We Got Married, by marriage counsellor Gary Chapman (2010, Northfield Publishing).

Dear Amy: Years ago my uncle sexually assaulted his three girls. He got away with it by leaving the country while on bail.

Several years ago, he returned, and now thinks we should all “get over it.”

He is insisting on a visit with me to “catch up.” He’s always been a clever bully, and won’t take NO for an answer, despite me putting him off for years.

I’m worried he will just show up here. What should I do? — WORRIED

Dear Worried: I’m taking at face value all of your assertions about your uncle. If he contacts you to threaten a visit, you should tell him, quite plainly, “I don’t want to have any contact with you. You are not welcome in my home or on my property. I want you to know that if you choose to show up, I will call the police. It’s that simple. Do you understand? Good.”

If it would ease your mind to enact a “no-contact order,” visit your local courthouse and ask the clerk to walk you through the steps. This bully should not get the best of you.

Dear Amy: I am responding to a recent letter in your column from a woman signed “Helpless Monster-in-Law.”

She reported how her motherin-law engaged in “drunk fighting” with her son (Helpless’ husband) during visits.

Like Helpless, I had a motherin-law who became argumentative when she drank. One evening after particularly mean treatment from her, I decided that I was not going to expose my kids to that behaviour.

The next time she was scheduled to visit our home, I packed an overnight case for my girls and me. I told my husband that the instant she began to become abusive or talk disrespectfully about family or friends, I was going to take my girls and leave for a hotel.

I don’t know what my husband said to her, but her bullying behaviour stopped.

The mother-in-law will not change. It is up to the husband to set the boundaries (not engage in a fight) with his mom.

The couple might benefit from couples counseling on how to present a calm and united front to the mom.

— BEEN THERE

Dear Been There: Thank you for providing your perspective, based on your own tough experience and lesson learned.

I love it that you presented your nonnegotiable in such a proactive fashion.

Family members of addicts often have trouble setting boundaries, partly because the impaired person often leaps over boundaries in unexpected ways. “Friends and family” support groups such as Al-anon are useful for the same reason your response is: support group participants will demonstrate through personal experience how to stop trying to control the other person, while maintaining control over their own response