Looking beyond being friends with benefits
Q. I’ve been sleeping with a man for a year. He’s become a great, helpful friend who talks to me about everything, found me a car, and genuinely seems to want the best for me.
He’s a “do the right thing” kind of guy. Our arrangement was to be only “friends with benefits.” But he’s recently been acting like he wants more — checking on me via text or just saying “Good Morning,” being very tender and sweet in bed.
He’s asked me, “What would you say if I told you I’ve been thinking about you more lately?”
I like him and could easily love him. However, he’s previously always maintained that we’d never work, and that he doesn’t feel a “spark.”
Now things seem different but I don’t know how to proceed. We’re in our 40s, divorced with kids. I think we could be great partners.
Where do I start? I don’t want to have one of those talks that make men and feel cornered.
A. Start with deciding what you want, this is not just about him defining the relationship.
You’re 40s, have your own children. If he still wants you only as a beneficial friend, can you continue to accept that despite obviously having feelings for him?
With you getting ready to consider a fullon relationship, would you be able to continue with less, if he’s still not interested in that? Once you know what you want/need/ can accept, then you don’t have to ask cringe-making questions.
Declining sex drive
Q. My wife of 15 years and I had a great sex life until a year ago.
I have Type 2 diabetes and have been diagnosed with depression. I’ve discussed my declining sex drive with my family doctor. I have no sexual fantasies, no desire whatsoever.
I love my wife and we’ve discussed this often. She misses the intimacy we once shared.
I changed my depression meds as my doctor said there’s a known side effect (Common side effects of the drug Pristiq may include: decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm.)
It’s less than a month so I can’t tell if the new meds changed anything. Hopefully this might help explain that a husband doesn’t always choose not to love his wife.
That choice was taken from me at the risk of my mental health.
A. According to www.webmd.com, all of the above potential sexually related side effects are listed.
Hopefully, the new drug helps the situation. Also, there’s the suggestion on Pristiq information, to try a lower dose. You likely already know that erectile dysfunction can also be related to your condition of Type 2 diabetes.
Besides working with your doctor to find positive answers, I suggest you both get in touch with a broader sense of sexual connection. You can explore this on your own through books and videos, through mutual cuddling, and stroking, plus pleasuring your wife, and/or with the guidance of a sex therapist.
Awkward situation
Q. Earlier this year I was asked out by a friend. I didn’t like him that much so I said, “maybe later in the year.”
I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Now, I can tell he’s dying to ask me out again. I don’t like him at all anymore. He’s a bad guy and makes too many mistakes. He’s also really awkward.
But I don’t want to be mean and say that I don’t like him. What do I do?
A. He was a friend, but now isn’t. Still, he deserves your being kind which seems to be your intent. But remember, you don’t owe him or anyone else a date.
You just need a simple statement, not rude or an obvious lie, such as that you’re “too busy” now with other things. (If you’re in school, projects or exams are a logical reason. If you work, then time pressure and home duties are also decent excuses).