Time to stop being needy
Q. I’m a man who was involved with someone a year ago, when I met a new female co-worker whom I found very attractive.
She began flirting with me — blowing kisses at me whenever she walked by me. She’d phone me and end the conversation saying, “I love you.” And she tried to make me jealous in front of others. It worked.
Early this year, I was single again. One day, she asked what I was doing on Valentine’s Day. I suggested we spend it together. She laughed but I was serious. I tried to get her to commit to a day that we could have a date. She kept saying she was busy working, so I left it.
Two weeks later, I asked for her number, which she gave reluctantly. Finally, she said it would be awkward for co-workers to date. I told her I liked her, and she abruptly got off the phone.
I was at a loss, hurt, and disappointed. People have told me to move on, but I can’t. She’s now quit our company to return to her old job. I want to approach her again, but I don’t want to be rejected again.
I really like this girl and have been thinking about her non-stop for months. Since she’s leaving, I thought it’d be an opportunity to try again for a date.
Should I just continue with pursuit of other women or keep trying to get her to commit to a date with me?
A. Since you’re not co-workers any more, she can no longer use that excuse about not dating you. But are you prepared to handle the rejection if she still says No?
You created a fantasy about her based on her casual (but thoughtless) flirting. Her “I-love-you’s” were over the top, since she had no intention of dating you then. It’s also apparent that you know very little about her. You call her a “girl” — does she live with her parents, have a strict upbringing which holds her back from dating you, or a longtime boyfriend she’s failed to mention?
Meanwhile, continuing to push for a first date makes you appear needy or relentless. Both may be over-the-top for her to accept.
Put a final limit on further pursuit of this woman, she’s just not into you. That’s not an insult, just her choice.
Misconduct
#MeToo — “I had my first job at 17 when I was the bookkeeper and model with a gown manufacturing company.
“At first it was very thrilling modelling exquisite wedding gowns. When a buyer came in, I’d very quickly have to change from one to the other.
“There was no special changing room, so I had to undress and dress between the racks of gowns in the factory. I found that the men always managed to need a gown from the racks where I was changing.
“When I complained, I was told that if I wasn’t satisfied, I should use the door to quit.
“Unfortunately, abuse is only coming to light. I’m currently age 94.”
Ellie — It’s taken almost 80 years for this woman to feel free to speak out publicly (without naming anyone) about the kind of sexual harassment in the workplace that workers, bosses, and society have taken for granted for even longer.
Letting go
Feedback: Regarding the woman whose fiancé’s mother has long been saying the wrong things to her (March 24):
Reader: “I, too, have a mother-in-law just like her fiancé’s mother.
“I was taught to always respect my elders. So all those years I just kept my mouth shut and said absolutely nothing.
“Some decades, yes decades, and then something came up and I opened my mouth and kept going.
“Of course my husband didn’t know what happened but he did tell me to be quiet — we were in a public place.
“Letting go” felt wonderful. I will never let anyone berate me again.”
Ellie — It takes self-confidence to speak up to defend yourself when you’re being unfairly treated or disrespected, whether it’s by a family “elder” or anyone else.
It also takes maturity to stand up for yourself without destroying the ability to maintain a necessary relationship. You’re the bigger person for it.