Why does he say no?

Q. My husband doesn’t want any more children. This is heartbreaking for

me.

I still want at least one more child. I recently discovered excitedly that I was pregnant, but learned that my husband was going to suggest an abortion. I miscarried anyway, early on.

He eventually said he would’ve stayed regardless if I were going to keep the pregnancy.

Now he’s paranoid about getting me pregnant again and there’s no changing his mind. He doesn’t want to have sex while I’m ovulating. Meanwhile, I’m starting to dislike our sex life, which he’s noticed.

I’m shocked that I’ve started fantasizing about cheating. I keep imagining being with a celebrity or a married stranger who also wants children.

I still love my husband. He’s my best friend and father to our son.

A. It’s important to learn what’s behind your husband’s decision.

Does he have financial or health worries he hasn’t disclosed? Does he feel he can’t divide his emotions and attention between two children?

Does he fear he’ll “lose” your attention if you’re preoccupied with two children? Your cheating fantasy is a diversion, related to your feeling deprived of your maternal wish, and possibly reflecting grief over the miscarriage.

Marriage counselling is the first step to take. You’ll understand each other’s perspectives on this much better if you air it out. But if he won’t go, or refuses to open up, get individual therapy about what’s behind your own escapist thoughts.

Mean-spirited and worrisome

Q. I’m a man in my early 60s. We emigrated here 26 years ago. I started working and soon was earning six-figures.

My wife worked part-time, our adult kids now have PhDs and masters degrees and high salaries. Last year, I had life-saving transplant surgery, but now live on disability benefits.

I became a liability in my family’s eyes. Last year when joking with my son, he got offended and hit me. It hurt physically and psychologically. My wife separated her salary from me because I’m spending “her money.”

Recently, I heard a late-night heated argument between them. When I went to see what happened, both started yelling at me to “get out.” They’ve isolated me.

I’m thinking to leave these jerks and start a new life. Am I exaggerating? Or are we just old and fighting each other?

A. Their disrespectful behaviour sounds both mean-spirited and worrisome to me.

But just walking out on your own, without a support system, sounds too risky to your health and well-being at this time. See your doctor to discuss what’s needed for you to manage on your own. Call your bank and learn the extent of your financial situation.

Call or visit a legal clinic to discuss the “isolation” moves, and mention your son’s hitting you. Also check whether there’ve been moves to put your house or other assets in your wife’s or son’s name without your knowledge or agreement.

Spend what you can afford

Feedback: Regarding a wedding gift from wedding party participants (April 12):

Reader #1: “Only a truly selfish couple would expect a gift on top of wedding party costs. For my wedding, since so many people were travelling to attend, I never expected gifts from them.

“Some gave, some didn’t, but it didn’t matter, I truly wanted all of them there.”

Reader #2: “As a 31-year-old with a decent job, I have student debt and live mostly paycheque to paycheque.

“So, spending $500 on a dress, hair, and makeup means I don’t have funds for a holiday that year when I’m in a wedding party. I then have to limit myself to about $50 on a gift. If I had friends who complained, I doubt we’d be friends anymore.”

Reader #3: “The expense required in wedding attire for the day goes above and beyond.”

Ellie — Regardless of estimates of an “appropriate” gift, what you can afford, rules.