Don’t let fear rule

Q. I’m a 20-year-old male student. I identify as straight and have had three girlfriends, the longest lasted a year.

Lately, I’m wondering whether I’m bi, gay, bi-curious or even straight.

I had my first homosexual encounter in Grade 6 when a friend and I were both watching porn. We were discussing it and next thing we were touching each other over our pants.

Several weeks later, I went to his house and we got into oral sex. We decided, never again. We both had girlfriends. We repeated it every few months, always only orally. We’re still friends.

When I moved away, I had both friends and girlfriends in my new high school. But I haven’t been into any sexual activity or feelings with another male, though occasionally I’d watch gay porn and masturbate.

I’m now in university, currently single for a year. Six months ago, I joined the gym and saw a lot of gay cruising in the change rooms, sauna and steam rooms. It reminded me of those earlier times. As a result, I’d mess around with those guys, still limited to oral only.

Last month, a guy followed me on Instagram, mentioned he finds me cute and asked for my number. I said I was straight, but gave my number. We added each other on Snapchat and became good friends.

A week later, I told him I’ve been bi-curious and messed around occasionally. I also told him my Grade 6 story. He was fine with it all and wanted a relationship with me.

I said this is a very discreet side of mine and I don’t want it public. We continued talking as friends. Two days later he said he’s fine with being in a secret relationship.

However, a week later, he said he made a boyfriend. I was happy for him. But I realized I started liking him, too. Two days ago, he was sad after a breakup with his new boyfriend. Last night, he confessed he still considers me more than a friend.

I trust him that if we were to start a secret relationship, he wouldn’t be exposing me, even if we broke up.

But I’m still unsure of my sexual orientation. Am I straight, bi, bi-curious? I’m also unsure if I actually have feelings for him or if it’s more lust, and can hamper our friendship.

A. Living in a time of open awareness about a range of sexual identity, it’s especially common for teens and young adults to be both confused and curious.

You’ve been cautious in not labelling yourself so far. Now you want certainty about your sexual identity. But it has to come from your own journey.

You’ve been preserving your right to experiment without taking advantage of anyone else, or letting another take advantage of you.

I say, go slow in finding where you are most comfortable. You’re basically working toward being true to yourself. Though you’ve had relationships with both females and males, you appear to be approaching a stronger sense of sexual identity through sexual behaviour.

You may still wish to reject a specific label developing your sexual self-concept. Be discreet — neither hiding nor lying, but working through this confusion. Don’t let fear rule.

Stressful cottage life

Q. Cottage season is imminent, along with emails and phone calls from relatives wanting to stay with us at our cottage. They call stating the weekend dates they have open to visit us.

When they arrive, they complain constantly about the accommodations, the weather, how they never see us enough. And, how they’d like to bring their children and grandchildren along next time.

We’re getting older and finding each visit more stressful and tiring. How can we put these relatives off without causing a huge issue?

A. Send out a group notice by email, now. Say how wonderful it’s been to host so many of them, over so many years. Continue: Being older now, that physical effort and time commitment is harder to maintain.

You’d be delighted to see them, however, they must find accommodation in the area, and visit for a lunch. Yes, they’ll be shocked. But you’ve done enough for them.