Your bride is priority No. 1
Q. I’m a male, 29, from a large family and close with all my cousins. Recently, my girlfriend and I announced our engagement and set our wedding date six months ahead. Almost immediately, my closest-age female cousin announced that she and her boyfriend had already secretly decided to get married.
She said they’d already booked a destination wedding just five months ahead. I was taken aback. My fiancée suspected that this was a rushed decision to upstage our wedding.
Sure enough, all the relatives began planning for the Caribbean island getaway. Also, two aunts asked to organize a double shower for the brides, and another relative suggested one big engagement party.
But my fiancée feels that joint events would take away from her special feeling as a bride. She has suggested that we skip my cousin’s wedding, which I know would cause a huge family rift. What do you suggest we do?
A. Get out of the middle; your loyalty is first to your bride. You must decide together how to handle the situation, and also recognize and weigh potential consequences of that decision.
Take the higher ground and resolve to not accuse your cousin of upstaging. Instead, attend the wedding and enjoy every aspect of being away among family fun. Plan your own wedding exactly as you would have before this news.
As for the “destination” timing, consider it an opportunity to relax in the sun for a week before revving up for your own event.
If your cousin truly pushed her wedding ahead of yours purposefully, she’s an insecure woman, which some of your relatives must already know.
Not your secret to tell
Q. My friend has an incurable, life-shortening degenerative neurological disorder. Treating symptoms is unsuccessful.
She has been approved for medically assisted death fairly soon but doesn’t want to tell her adult children. The doctor who approved the death procedure stated that the children should be told.
I agree. My wife tells me that she’ll tell the friend’s adult children when the time is nearer. I agree, even if it negates my friend’s wishes. Would telling the kids be an invasion of privacy?
A. If your ailing friend had written me asking if she should alert her adult children to her imminent passing through medically assisted death, I would answer her with a definite yes.
However, she didn’t ask me or you or your wife. Meanwhile, there’s a long-standing tradition that people be granted, if at all possible, their own last request.
The ill woman knows what she wants, and a medical professional has agreed that legally ending her life is a decision that she’s entitled by her condition to make.
Her grown children can surely already see that the end is near. But it’s no one else’s right to tell them (nor talk her out of going ahead). The only caveat is whether, in her jurisdiction, there is a legal requirement for the closest family member to agree. If not, your wife should not alert the children against your friend’s wishes.
Cause for bedwetting alarm
Feedback: Regarding help for a bedwetting grandson, 10, whose mother thinks seeing a doctor or being wakened by a bedwetting alarm will traumatize him (June 27):
Reader: “As a former bedwetter and mother of three bedwetters, what finally cured me, two siblings and my children was a mechanical alarm which wakes the child/ person when urine hits a pad underneath.
“It takes about two weeks for the brain to learn to react and wake the person.
“With no physical cause evident, my mom tried every method from salty bacon and no water before bed, to elixirs, wearing diapers (still at 15!), waking us several times during the night, etc.
“I’m in my 80s now but remember the humiliation of being unable to go for sleepovers, visit relatives, etc.
“And the great happiness of being finally cured! I used it on my children from ages 5 to 7, when I felt they were capable of it.”