Stuck on my crappy ex

Q. My on-off boyfriend of three years had bad anger problems and stopped affection and intimacy the last two years.

But I stayed.

After we broke up eight months ago, I dated a guy from my past.

We’re currently living together, but I still think about my ex.

I saw on social media that he’s dating a girl. I keep looking online to see her posts.

She calls him her “king,” he calls her his “queen.”

My current boyfriend is a great guy, supportive, kind, sweet, everything a girl could want.

So why am I still thinking about my crappy ex?

A. The possible answers to that question are more about you, than him.

A “crappy” partner is just that.

Did he change for his “queen?”

Maybe not, since social media posts portray what people want you to think.

And it’s still early days for them.

Back to you.

Consider these possibilities:

1. That your unfortunate role model for “partner” from your past, may be someone who was emotionally distant and frequently angry.

2. That you lack self-esteem and stayed for two bad years without just telling yourself and him, “I deserve better.”

Now, you have a “great guy.”

Work on seeing yourself as the great woman he’s lucky to have found.

If you still find that mindset difficult, get to counselling.

And stop reading that woman’s posts. Or you’ll be looking for crummy guys again.

It’s time to move on

Q. I’ve been living in a smaller city that’s not fitting my needs.

I have a son in the area, but since he married, he’s shut me out of his life completely.

I divorced more than 25 years ago now and his father still has a lot of influence over him.

I tried to connect with him once my grandchild was born, but I’ve never even seen the child, who’s now age two.

Before my son moved to his father he was a happy little boy.

A therapist’s assessment said he was happiest with me.

His father had strong influence for years and he moved in with him in his early teen years.

I’ve started looking into restarting my business and moving to an area where it would be more profitable.

I love my son and never really got to know his wife.

I do know that they both drink far too often for my lifestyle, as his father has also done.

I don’t want my grandson exposed to the type of environment l lived in as a child into my mid-30s.

I live far away from my sisters who don’t call me much.

It’s a strained relationship with two of them.

I chat with one other sister occasionally. I’ve considered moving to where my sisters live, thousands of miles from my son and grandchild.

A. Move on, in every sense.

You’re too alone and remain an outsider to your son and grandchild.

You need a fresh outlook.

A location move and work can give you that, if you put energy and positive action into it.

Being near your communicative sister may help.

But you’d have to be careful not to let the other two lower your spirits with disappointment.

Also consider other locations, which are good for your work and well being.

With your son and grandson, your best hope is to reach out when you’re settled, without repeating judgments.

Simply say you hope to meet the boy some day.

Send small gifts from time to time (books, puzzles).

If he starts to know you’re his grandmother, you may be able to start arranging occasional visits.