How do I talk about premature ejaculation?

Q: I’m a woman who recently moved here, age 42, divorced and newly dating again. I met a man with a shy, sensitive nature. We’ve gone out over two months, and our dates always ended with a warm hug.

I wasn’t surprised that there’s been no heavy moves toward sex. But I wondered when it would happen, since we’re both mature, experienced grown-ups.

When we first actually “made out” with more feeling (but no sexual intercourse), he had premature ejaculation. It’s also happened again as we hug with more passion.

My first serious boyfriend (in my mid-20s) had this problem and I thought I wasn’t sexy enough for him. But it hasn’t happened with other men until now.

How do I raise discussing this topic since he’s so shy and sensitive? Awkward Hugs

A: Here’s the question that matters most to you: Can a man with premature ejaculation become a healthy sexual partner? Yes, if he deals with the condition.

It’s not an uncommon issue for men. Some 30 to 40 per cent have it at some time in their life. There are plenty of approaches offered by the medical and pharmaceutical establishments, as well as natural health product purveyors.

America’s acknowledged prestigious source, the Mayo Clinic, says this:

“Common treatment options for premature ejaculation include behavioural techniques, topical anesthetics, medications and counselling… it might take time to find the treatment or combination of treatments that will work for you. Behavioural treatment plus drug therapy might be the most effective course.”

So, your “shy guy” can start doing something about this condition. Also, it’s unlikely that he hasn’t known about it before this.

Have your first discussion with yourself: Are you ready to be his partner in tackling this and trying different treatments? Or, is it too early for you to be taking on a team approach, which can make sexual activity a frustrating “project” for you until it’s resolved?

Be aware that stress, depression, performance anxiety, even guilt can affect his ability to sustain an erection. So can abnormal hormone levels and inflammation/infection of the prostate or urethra be a cause, which a doctor must check.

You need to know him better to understand what’s possibly the cause. Meanwhile, go slow with the relationship, until you feel committed to having a future with this man.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman still troubled years after her former therapist asked her to date him (Nov. 20):

“There’s either more to the story than she shared or there are deep psychological problems with which she needs help.

“Yes, the therapist acted unethically, making her uncomfortable. However, no assault took place and he never contacted her again.

“When I was a very young girl and later, in my 20s, a couple of older men made what would now be considered sexual advances (surreptitiously caressing a hand or arm while shaking hands, looking into my eyes and licking their lips with their tongue, etc.).

“Way before the #MeToo movement, I chalked it up to ‘dirty-old-men’ syndrome. I casually, accidentally, stepped on the foot of one with my stiletto heel and raked a couple of my nails over the back of the other man’s hand.

“The next meetings socially proved that the men had gotten my message.

“Just like your letter-writer, nothing terrible happened but these incidents were a bit upsetting though I reacted quickly and decisively. I still remember the episodes, but they never bothered me nor left me with feelings of shame.”

Ellie’s Tip of the Day

Premature ejaculation is a common male problem, with a variety of behavioural and medical treatments available.