An old lover has returned, but I want commitment

It appears that a man from my past is back.

Usually, around every 10 years, we’re in the same town meeting up — and that is the case again here.

He is not divorced, yet he’s seeking me out … and this time I want a commitment.

Is it wrong to date this guy until the divorce is over?

The Bad Boy

He’s no “boy” any more.

He’s a man who has cheated on his wife in the past and wants and expects to cheat again, with you, just as has apparently happened in the past.

You ask if it’s wrong to date him “until” the divorce is over. The more immediate question is whether it’s wrong to date him before the divorce is over … so, I’ll respond from that perspective.

It seems that a sexual heat between you two can be fired up even after 10-year intervals.

I suspect that he warms the embers periodically by contacting you, and letting you know he’ll be in town. It has the optics of an old movie.

But this is about people’s real lives, not on screen.

This time you want a “commitment,” because he’s misled you in the past.

Well, he can do it again, especially if you accept the same-old pattern — meet up, cave to promises and passion, replay the same-old scene of believing he’s going to finalize his divorce.

Maybe he won’t.

Will you accept another 10 years waittime for the sequel?

How much can you trust a “commitment” from him?

Given whatever he’s told you during previous reunions, about why he had not divorced his wife, how can you trust and rely on him now?

You want more than another fling. And the “bad boy” label doesn’t excuse either of you, if you know there’s a missus back at his home thinking he’s away on business.

No, don’t “date him.” At the very least, wait until you see his divorce papers. Even then, think whether he’s marriage material even when and if he’s ever “single” again.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman, widowed at 50, who eventually started dating someone, but when the pandemic struck, they chose to be “isolated” separately and only “get together” online (May 22):

Reader: At 53, I’ve taken the opportunity of COVID-19 social distancing rules to jump into the dating pool after much life upheaval.

I find this unusual dating form refreshing.

People on the app I’m using appear to be more genuine and thoughtful. I have more time to chat and there’s no pressure to get physical.

I went on one safe social distance dog walk and look forward to another.

Taking it slow and getting to know one another is being helped by this situation.

I advise other daters to take advantage of it.

Enjoying the New-Dating

It’s an old-fashioned concept revived by a very current crisis: People reaching out for friendship, and hopefully for a relationship of the mind and senses, to see if and where it builds.

Instead of the frenetic rush to hookups popular on college campuses from the 2000s and the recently popular appswiping trend toward sex without intimacy, thoughtful relationships with a slow build, are being considered valuable again.

So, during COVID times, while these gentle dating steps are enjoyable, don’t lose sight of all that’s required to still stay safe, as you consider physical contact (even holding hands) and when it’s OK to expand your “bubble” of comfort and trust to include another person.

Ellie’s tip of the day

When a “lover” repeats his/her promises and doesn’t deliver, don’t waste your years waiting for a commitment. Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.