If you care for yourself, female friends may follow

Q: I’m a 28-year-old woman, with no female friends.

I believe people see me as loud, aggressive, and obnoxious, but I have plenty of great qualities, too.

I struggle to connect with people and envy those who still stay in touch with early-school friends. I didn’t succeed at making friends in college either.

At work, people had a strong dislike for me. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but every day I wonder “What’s wrong with me?”

My boyfriend of four years is my best friend, but he often plays sports that I don’t enjoy. We don’t have many hobbies together.

I have two friends, both male. But I’m trying to distance from them because I don’t like making my boyfriend uncomfortable. My family thinks it’s weird I only hang out with men, when I’m in a committed relationship. I feel like people think I’m promiscuous or indecent.

Social media doesn’t help, as most people my age are just coming into themselves with careers, families, big groups of friends. ... I try not to compare myself because it only makes me feel worse. I’m lonely, and desperate for female companionship.

A Female Outcast

A: You’re a woman, and there’s no better way to make friends with other women than appreciating all that’s good in yourself.

Sounds simplistic, but I know the complex results that occur if you’ve had years of believing you’re not female-friend material. (Or worse, hearing that from others who are either mean or ignorant.)

You’re in a four-year relationship and also have two close friends. That these connections are with males doesn’t take away from the fact you know how to be loyal and how to connect with others.

You say you have many good qualities, yet first mention what you think are perceived bad ones. So I’m urging you to treat yourself better than that. One way to become a better friend to yourself comes though self-care. Many wellness experts say that a regular 20-to-30-minute walk, daily (and socially distanced) and preferably out in nature, brings not only peace of mind but an inner wave of well-being.

That’s a great basis on which to feel positive about your ability to make a breakthrough while seeking women friends.

If, for example, you enjoy listening to music or you’re very energetic, use those parts of your personality to meet with women, virtually, during COVID-19.

There are concerts on Zoom and other platforms, and scheduled women’s fitness classes online, etc.

As a woman with a defined goal, know that you can do this.

Don’t let school-based stories hold you back.

Most of us had inner doubts and lacked self-confidence then.

Change comes when you see yourself in a different, positive light. The time to start is now.

If you struggle with your goal, try again. If needed, seek an online counsellor to get you back on track.

Q: I’ve started worrying again about my lonely Christmas Day each year, while my daughter, granddaughter and their families celebrate a Christmas breakfast to which I’m never invited.

Just two months away, what can

I do to address my family’s seeming indifference to my feelings?

Unhappy Holidays

A: Reach out to your daughter, now.

Tell her you’d like to join her, your granddaughter and other family on Christmas morning.

Ask what you can do for that to happen, e.g. whether to bring something special for the occasion, or to make amends for something unknown to you that needs clearing up.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Knowing your own good qualities is the start to sharing them to build friendships.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.