Be there for your friend — but don’t overstep

Q: My high school best friend and I have been by each other’s side forever. We even thought about things the same way ... at least until now.

We had kids around the same time, with my eldest a year older than hers. We both have a boy and a girl.

We’ve also parented similarly, until now.

Her daughter has become sullen and morose. My friend has talked to me through the whole pandemic but she didn’t reveal how bad this situation has become.

Our two families met for a walk pre-lockdown, and I was shocked at her daughter’s transformation from a sweet, bubbly tween to this nasty girl.

When I asked my friend how she’s handling it, she said, “She’s just seeking attention. No one can help her.”

I was surprised at my friend’s lack of desire to help her child.

I’m afraid to say anything about it, yet more afraid to not say anything, for the girl’s sake. What’s the right thing for me to do?

Frantic Friend

A: Open the door to communication about concern over her daughter, but don’t stumble right through it.

Your friend seems very uncomfortable, perhaps more than you realize. She may already have talked to the girl’s teacher and/or a psychologist or other professional about her, and isn’t ready to share what she heard.

Also, the girl’s “transformation” may have knocked the wind out of your friend’s pride in her.

If you probe her about the behaviour change, she may distance herself from your friendship rather than answer.

Yet your intentions are from kindness and caring.

So, simply say that you hope her daughter’s OK and, if there’s anything you can do to help either the girl or your friend, you’re there for them. Q: I’ll qualify this question by stating that I’m a bit of an imbecile.

Why do I enjoy listening to intelligent women on the radio?

Not in an arousing way, I just like to hear the conversations.

But, when I hear them give the weather report, I do have a moment given to flights of fancy. Is that an issue?

Silly but Serious

A: Since you expect an answer to your seemingly fanciful thoughts, be aware that there’s evident meaning in them.

Your use of the offensive word “imbecile” is an unpleasant deception that you’re not aware of what you’re doing/feeling about women.

If they sound intelligent on radio, you can handle that from a distance. BUT if there’s a visual connection to female “weather” reporters, you’re given to fantasizing.

Meanwhile, there’s no reference to any actual relationship with a woman.

The next question now comes from me: Are your mixed inner reactions, absent any real connection to women, an issue for you? If yes, write back and I’ll be happy to respond.

FEEDBACK Regarding the parents whose daughter’s husband has stopped working and is drinking to excess (Jan. 1):

“Al-Anon is a very important and invaluable source of help you overlooked for both the wife and her parents.

“Given the behaviour described, alcoholism is very likely the problem as it often leads to depression, job loss and financial disaster.

“In these times of COVID-19, hundreds of meetings are available online. This wife and her parents could begin receiving priceless help and support immediately, which they desperately need and which won’t cost a fortune.”

Ellie: I do often mention Al-Anon’s support for the same good reasons you wrote about here. I’m glad you reminded me it’s worth repeating.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Tell a friend with a difficult situation you’re “there” to help discuss it, if that’s wanted.