9 events the Olympics need
The IOC probably won’t ever add these sports to the Games — but they should
Look, we love baseball. It’s been around forever. Softball — wicked pitching!
Karate, very powerful, with that Macchio-Morita mystique.
Skateboarding, impressive. We always fall off skateboards.
Surfing? Same thing — we’re constantly falling off the board.
And sport climbing? Have you seen those abs? Those abs!
Those are the five sports — baseball and softball count as one — that the IOC is recommending be added for the Tokyo Olympics in 2020. The IOC members are likely to give all five the thumbs-up on Aug. 4, the eve of the Rio Games.
We’re officially delighted for all of the winning federations. (Read Steve Ewen’s story about softball at the Olympics at provincesports.com.) It’s a big deal to be an Olympic sport. It means lots of money. The realization of athletes’ dreams. And reaching huge new audiences.
But here at Province Sports, we have our own Olympic dreams. Of sports, that is, that we think the IOC should consider including — but probably never will.
TOUGH MUDDER
I was describing the roots of Modern Pentathlon to a friend the other day when it dawned on me: it’s really just 19th-century Tough Mudder.
The idea of the five sports — shooting, fencing, running, swimming and horseback riding — is that these are the challenges a captured army officer would have to deal with during an escape. Tough Mudder, the race over an obstacle course (Whistler’s event happens next June) is just a modern version of that.
Adults on an obstacle course. What’s not to love? We all love American Gladiators. — Patrick Johnston
TUG OF WAR
Ninety-six years ago, at a packed, 12,000-seat Olympisch Stadion in Antwerp, Belgium, Great Britain shut out the Netherlands in the gold-medal “pull.”
The two sets of Dutch brothers who won silver — Antonius and Willem van Loon, and Marinus and Willem van Rekum — might roll over in their graves if they saw the disrespect for their sport, which was discontinued after that tilt in September of 1920.
Five consecutive Olympic appearances, then nothing. Not right.
Tug of war in the Olympics isn’t a difficult argument to make. There are 196 countries in the world. Name one where tug of war isn’t contested. Can’t do it.
The rules, of course, are simple. The weight classes, for both men and women and the mixed-team event, could be easily figured out. And the TV ratings, frankly, would be off the charts.
The only problem? Well, you might remember Canada long had struggles in men’s ice hockey. Back in tug of war’s heyday, Canada never qualified for Olympic competition.
Own the Podium funding could change everything. — Jonathan McDonald
SEPAK TAKRAW
The Olympics are supposed to be about universal inclusion, no? So how did skateboarding make the cut? I mean, that’s one step removed from competitive aerobics — which, thank god, didn’t make the cut — on the ridiculous scale.
Here’s a game that has global appeal and a gripping TV presence: Sepak Takraw.
“What’s that?” you’re thinking? Think volleyball/badminton/kung fu played with your feet. And it’s universal; all you need is a ball and a net. — J.J. Adams
KABADDI
For the uninitiated, Kabbadi seems more like a playground game than a serious contact sport. The rules are simple. From a team of seven, a single raider crosses midfield and attempts to tag his opponents while steadily and repeatedly saying, “Kabbadi.”
The opposing team either evades the raider or tackles him to the ground. If the raider returns to his side unscathed, points are scored for each player he tagged.
It’s fun, physical and accessible to people around the world.
While the Olympics are drowning in Western events and their spinoffs, a sport rooted in South Asia, which can boast its own professional and world circuits, would definitely go a long way in growing the Games. — Dharm Makwana
CROKINOLE
The 19th-century board game, er, sport, was once a staple of cold Canadian winters spent in the cabin, but virtually disappeared for decades before its recent revival in the hipster bars in Brooklyn.
The game has its origins in Tavistock, Ont., where they still host world championships in the local hockey rink each year, but its name comes from a Quebec doughnut.
Crokinole involves elements of both tiddlywinks and bocce, with players aiming small disks at the centre of a round wooden board.
Look, Canadian sports that have been belatedly picked up by the Americans are gold medals waiting to happen. Get on board with the board game, and you will be on the right side of history when the sport/ not-a-sport debate rolls around. — Erik Rolfsen
JOUSTING
How great would it be to have both the classic, horseback variety, as well as the modernized, motorized alternative?
It’s a battle of wills. Two competitors, charging at each other, hoping to slam the other to the ground. (And it’s no joke: the English Heritage charity is already hard at work on campaigning the IOC.)
I’d propose Chicken, but that promotes unsafe driving. Jousting is a no-brainer. — Patrick Johnston
DARTS
Can we be real for a minute? I can’t sprint or run long distances. At this point in my life, jumping, vaulting and throwing discs across a field are definitely out. Maybe you feel the same way? It’s OK. I won’t tell.
Sitting on the sidelines, what you and I need are Olympians we can relate to — blue-collar champions who can swig a lager with one hand and, with the other, take a tungsten dart and hit three consecutive triple-20s!
Competitive dart matches, with their beer-soaked spectators, breed excitement and camaraderie in the crowd, which makes for an essential sporting experience. What better place for such a fan experience than the Olympics. — Dharm Makwana
3-ON-3
Of all the other sports mentioned here, this one’s actually legit. It was actually tabled for inclusion in Rio.
Not many countries can field a full team with as much depth as the U.S., but four or five players? Sure.
It cuts costs. It reduces the size of venue needed. It’s TV friendly. There’s even a world series already, proving that it wouldn’t be an American-dominated event.
Who wouldn’t want to see LeBron or Steph Curry play a little half-court action?
And look at the team Canada could field: Andrew Wiggins, Jamal Murray, Kelly Olynyk. Size, speed, scoring. Medal contenders, for sure.
Rugby Sevens opened the door here. If a faster, slimmed-down version of rugby could get the call, why not basketball?
It’s already a globally-accepted sport, and for countries without an extensive sports infrastructure, it makes perfect sense. — J.J. Adams
WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN
It rocks our world, to this day, that ’80s-era World’s Strongest Man competitor Cleve Dean, a pig farmer from Georgia, never won the now nearly 40-year-old event, a mainstay on CBS in the early years. The guy was a beast — 440 pounds of stunning strength, perhaps twice as much perspiration.
Way back when, they held WSM at unusual sports venues like the Playboy Country Club and Resort in MacAfee, N.J. Sometimes, hundreds of fans would show up to witness men’s men such as Dean or the bug-eyed Bill Kazmaier — who won three straight world titles between 1980 and 1982 — throw logs, run while carrying a refrigerator or pull an airplane that’s attached to a rope. None of which were, to be honest, recommended activities even for the strongest men in the world.
The truth is, we want to see the strongest men in the world do these things. How often do you see Olympic weightlifting on one of the main channels that show the Olympics? Never.
How often would you see the Olympics’ Strongest Man competition on TV? Every four years. In prime time. Bumping pretty much everything except for the 100-metre dash.
But don’t try to gimmick it up, IOC. Strapping a shirtless, suspendered, hair-sweatered god such as Iceland’s four-time world champ Magnus Ver Magnusson inside the frame of a hollowed-out car for a foot race, sure. But nothing crazy.
“They were going to have a sumo event and wanted us to wear those little sumo outfits,” four-time Super Bowl champion offensive tackle Jon Kolb, on the tiny side of WSM competitors back in the day at 256 pounds, told me in 1997.
“I wrote them. I told them that when we did the caber toss we didn’t wear kilts — and we didn’t have to wear repairman suits when we had the refrigerator race.” — Jonathan McDonald