All she wants: ‘To be with my dad’
Couple, married 65 years, kept apart by lack of care-home spaces in Vancouver
On their 50th wedding anniversary, Domenic and Raffaella Lucchesi renewed their vows.
Fifteen years later, it is not death, but a wait list separating them.
About five months ago, Raffaella, 85, was hospitalized for a few weeks, leaving no one at home to care for Domenic, 88, who suffers from dementia. A room at a Vancouver residential-care facility was found for Domenic, but there was no space for his wife, who has also been approved for a care home, but is not deemed to be in urgent need.
She was forced to return to the couple’s apartment to wait for a space, says their daughter Enrica Merle.
“My mom is on a spousal priority list to get into my dad’s facility, but there are no openings,” she said. “All she wants is to be with my dad.”
After 65 years of marriage, the couple is finding it difficult to live apart.
It’s not an unfamiliar story. A Surrey couple living in separate care homes made headlines around the world last week after their granddaughter Ashley Bartyik posted a photo of them visiting each other.
“This is the saddest photo I have ever taken,” she wrote on Facebook.
Wolfram and Anita Gottschalk have been living apart for eight months and cry each time they are reunited. International media, including BBC News and the Washington Post, ran their story.
On Friday, Fraser Health said Wolfram needed care several months before his wife and requires a higher level of care. Anita was assessed and placed in a care home this summer. Since then, the health authority has been working to reunite them in the same facility.
“It is certainly more challenging to find a facility that can provide both levels of care,” said Fraser Health spokeswoman Tasleem Juma. “(But) it is absolutely possible and it does happen.”
The Gottschalks have also been specific about which care home they’d like to live in, which may mean a longer wait, she added.
It is unclear how often and for how long B.C. couples are separated when they are not able to enter a care home together.
“We don’t really know the scope of the problem,” said Selina Robinson, NDP MLA and opposition critic for seniors. “We get these one-off stories and they’re heartbreaking.”
In 2014, two Okanagan couples made headlines when they were forced to live in separate care homes. In one case, the husband and wife found themselves living in cities more than 100 kilometres apart. In 2006, another couple was forced to spend Christmas in different care homes.
“We have to accept that mental health is a big part of overall health,” said Robinson. “If we want to support people, it’s important to keep couples together.”
She noted the Gottschalk’s 21-year-old granddaughter was forced to quit her job in July to help care for her grandparents.
“People don’t exist in a vacuum,” said Robinson. “These situations affect entire families.”
Merle sees the incredible toll it takes on her parents to live apart after 65 years. About three times a week, Raffaella’s children pick her up and drive her to Domenic’s new home at Little Mountain Place.
The couple sits quietly together while Domenic eats his lunch. He is calmer when his wife is with him, according to their daughter.
The care facility is designed for people with dementia who are prone to wandering. Domenic has his own private room. He sleeps in a recliner, leaving his bed empty.
“Why can’t my mom sleep in the bed?” asked Merle. “At least they would be together.”