MIKE SMYTH: 20th annual Awards for Dubious Political Distinction

The super-secret results of the 20th annual Awards for Dubious Political Distinction were kept in a sealed Mason jar at the Trump International Hotel and Tower — until they were hacked by the Russians.

Time to beat WikiLeaks to the punch! The envelopes please ...

SLAP-CHOP SLAPSHOT OF THE YEAR: Awarded to NDP MLA Lana Popham, who sliced and diced Health Minister Terry Lake for letting a hospital in Vanderhoof serve patients made-in-China fruit cups.

“The minister can dice it, chop it, slice it, dehydrate it, freeze it or blend it any way he wants, but it won’t make plastic fruit cups from China any more appetizing,” Popham popped off.

STABBED-IN-THE-CAPITOL LAUREL WREATHS: Awarded to Mike Farnworth for his Shakespearean reflection on tax-timing.

“What is it about Liberals and taxes and the month of July?” the NDP MLA soliloquized last summer. “The foreign-buyers tax was introduced just two days past the seventh anniversary of the announcement of the Harmonized Sales Tax. And we know how that ended.

“Someone once said, ‘Beware of the Ides of March.’ But when it comes to the B.C. Liberals, all I can say is: Beware the taxes of July.” BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENT OF THE YEAR: After Coquitlam’s Doug Horne quit as a Liberal MLA to run in the federal election — only to lose — he was welcomed back for a visit to the legislature by NDP leader John Horgan.

Horne’s resignation triggered a byelection that was won by the NDP.

“For his ultimate sacrifice of giving up his seat so that we could elect the new member for Coquitlam-Burke Mountain — thank you, Doug,” Horgan said “warmly.”

RIGHT-BACK-ATCHA AWARD: Proving the Liberals can deliver lethal left-handed compliments, too, Advanced Education Minister Andrew Wilkinson welcomed freshly elected NDP MLA Melanie Mark during Question Period.

“I continue to be impressed with her skills, her ability and her superior intellect,” Wilkinson said.

“With that in mind, I can only encourage the member for Vancouver-Mount Pleasant to draft her own questions — rather than read out the ones foisted upon her by her leader.”

RUMBLE-IN-THE-JUNGLE FIGHT OF THE YEAR: Energy Minister Bill “Raging Bull” Bennett versus NDP MLA “Stormin’” Norm Macdonald produced the nastiest exchange the House has heard in years.

“F--- you!” Bennett fired at Macdonald during a heated debate. “F-you — is that what you said, Bill?” Macdonald fired back.

Both men stormed out of the legislature and continued their verbal punches in the hallway until staff calmed them down. They apologized, but not before Speaker Linda Reid had her say.

“The conduct in this house is absolutely appalling. That will never occur in this chamber again.” I’m not so sure about that last part. SMALLEST-BONE/BIGGESTCHEAP-SHOT AWARD: NDP MLA Nicholas Simons, who informed the legislature he had surgery to remove a tiny bone from his ear.

“It takes a while for the healing to occur,” Simons said. “For a while, I couldn’t hear well and my balance was off. I felt like a B.C. Liberal.”

SOUND-OF-ONE-HAND-CLAPPING UNPOPULAR IDEA OF THE YEAR: Independent MLA Vicki Huntington for suggesting applause be banned in the legislature.

“This spring, the legislature will spend close to three-and-a-half hours — seven entire Question Periods — on applause,” Huntington complained.

The response to her idea from the clap-happy Liberals and New Democrats? Deafening silence. BILL VANDER ZALM HONORARY QUOTE OF THE YEAR: “If I could read her mind, I would be horrified.” — Horgan speaking about Premier Christy Clark.

And there you have it. Another wild and wacky year of B.C. politics. Meet you here for all the fun in 2017 — including an election in May.