Sputtering sequel doesn’t run on Diesel
Action star lets others do heavy lifting in tired franchise’s unnecessary third instalment
Extreme sports enthusiast and crimefighter Xander Cage is back to skateboard down steep mountains, travel the world with a gang of dangerous espionage agents, dodge falling space satellites, keep the planet safe from a dangerous gizmo and engage in international nooky, and all without busting a sweat. Or having a script.
Vin Diesel stars in xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, and — full disclosure — we hadn’t even noticed Xander Cage was missing. This would be the place to offer the entire riveting genealogy born with the movie xXx in 2002 and continuing on with xXx: State of The Union in 2005, but, nah.
Let’s just say xXx: The Return of Xander Cage rests entirely on the draw that is Vin Diesel, an action star wise enough to enlist the help of Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa to do the serious ass kicking and smart enough to work alongside Toni Collette, Ruby Rose and Deepika Padukone to do the heavy lifting as per storytelling.
(Also in the cast, briefly, are Samuel L. Jackson and Ice Cube.)
XXx: The Return Of Xander Cage takes a long time to get going, first dropping a satellite on people, then locating the missing Cage in the Dominican Republic, then enlisting his help for the CIA, next dropping in on his Global Sexy Babe Squad With Mad Spy Skills and finally getting him on the trail of the bad guys.
The bad guys have robbed the CIA of a small box thingy capable of interfering with all global communication; it can even cause space satellites to crash in spectacular fashion.
Later, when most of the really dangerous bad guys prove to be good guys — maybe — and vice versa, one quietly gives up. You realize that it’s pointless to try to follow xXx: The Return Of Xander Cage.
Your job is to wince at the corny jokes, soak up the action, enjoy those parts of the balletic and inventive stunts not ruined by manic editing and marvel at how outdated and idiotic the whole thing is.
Unless you’re an 11-year-old boy, in which case xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is the Best. Movie. Ever.