Before ‘I do,’ there’s ‘I need to know’
Ten questions brides-to-be should ask before making marriage commitment
Every so often in a marriage you ask yourself: “Did I know that before we got married?”
As time goes on, you realize there are certain questions that, with hindsight, you could have asked, to avoid misunderstandings down the line. All sorts of things, like: chickens, are you interested? A hot tub in the garden, definition of luxury or disturbing? TV, OK once in a while, or your favourite activity?
For example, last week, Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook and author of Lean In, urged women to ask any prospective mate — at the earliest possible opportunity — “Will you support my career?” That is a good question, if a bit of a downer on a first date.
The one you’d be better asking, in my opinion, is: “Will you treat my job as if it’s just as important as yours?”
Because men are hazy about the definition of “support.”
Sandberg has us thinking about the big 10 questions you might put to a partner before making the full commitment:
1 How much money is enough?
Because if you are the sort who has set her heart on a socialite-style wardrobe by 2020, and he is planning to pack it all in on his 50th birthday and join the clergy, better to know that now. Also: How comfortable is he with credit?
2 What was his opinion of Carrie Fisher, RIP?
This will tell you so much. It implies: does he like funny women? And does he get the point of women even when they get old and shambolic and are past their glory days?
3 Could he look after a baby on his own for 48 hours and enjoy it?
4 Is he planning to get seriously into bridge, or golf?
Or sailing? Or box sets, come to that? (Because you can overdo box sets, I can vouch, and some people are watching The West Wing from the beginning, again.)
5 Is he having regular dental checkups?
Watch this one, seriously. What is yours will be his, and if he hasn’t been going regularly you’re looking at some serious financial outlay in the mid-life years.
6 Town or country? See point No. 1. 7 How does he feel about naked saunas?
Is he in the “let it all hang out, wouldn’t even consider cheating and smuggling in a hand towel, come on, we’re all adults” category? Or more in the white-fear camp? You don’t want to be a sauna refusenik type married to a sauna lover. It has wider implications.
8 Does he like driving?
(Men divide up into drivers and ones who get driven. You might want to check which one you’re getting.)
9 Does he like your friends?
Does he almost automatically like everyone you like? This is a “does he trust your judgment?” and a “how easygoing is he?” question. It’s also a “can we hang out with my pals?” question.
10 Are there family secrets, i.e., jewelry?
Men and women go into marriage the same way we go into everything — including house buying: I love it, I want it, I’ll have it and ... shhh, don’t want to hear about subsidence and poor services; look at the location, the gorgeous back garden ... If it feels right, you won’t be listening.