Dating under the influence of middle age
The 10 most important things I’ve learned from trying to find a perfect match online
I did online dating to death. I became single at 44 and from match.com and Plenty of Fish to Tinder, I tried them all.
As a middle-aged mother with four children, I found the dating arena particularly fraught — not at all like when I was young and you met people through friends and work.
It was like stepping into a world I no longer understood. Men I thought were single and available turned out to be married and available for only one thing, which I discovered after a friend pointed out a man I’d been talking to online was never available to “chat” on the weekends.
There also seemed to be some online lingo I didn’t understand. “Favourite activities,” I found out, was a sexual inquiry rather than an interest in hobbies.
I know loads of attractive single women all looking for sex. Many of them came out of loveless, passionless long-term marriages and would be more than happy to have a one-night stand. I know several couples who started with sex and got to know each other later. One pair are now getting married.
Conversely, I met many men who were terrified of women, especially sexually rapacious ones. One rather artistic South African creative spent an evening telling me how distressing it was that women kept on trying to entice him into bed. I didn’t believe that for a second.
After four years in the trenches, I finally met my match: we got married just before Christmas.
Here’s what I wish I’d known before logging on.
1. No one puts their real age online. Men who say they’re 55 are 60 or even older. Also, photos mean nothing.
2. Beware of anyone who posts photographs of themselves with their kids/ex/ holding a pint of beer/strumming an air guitar/has half the picture ripped off (and it’s clearly of his wedding day).
3. Never, ever, go out with a man who says he is “looking for cuddles.” This is not a euphemism. It means he really needs looking after and hasn’t grown up.
4. If a man asks “what are you into?” what he means is “what sort of sex are you into?” — if that’s OK with you, proceed. If not, run.
5. Lots of men may well want sex but they have the same body hang-ups as women and many no longer have the virility of their younger years. This is a tricky area and one which, when we were all first dating, we never had to think about.
6. Be sure about what you are looking for: if a man with his own house and a stable income is important, there’s no point dating the one crucified by divorce and can’t afford to buy dinner. He may be witty but it’s not going to work.
7. Be aware women and men are often looking for different things — some older men are looking for a carer. They can’t bear the idea of growing old alone and, underneath all the dating shtick, they are quite happy to have a lovely woman cooking them dinner.
8. There are some really nice men out there but they might be hopeless at dating. I’ve met men who are so nervous they’ve gabbled on about their exes, for example — but got much better when given a second chance.
9. Always have a backup plan ... I’d send a coded text to my best friend and she’d then text me pretending to be one of my children saying I had to go home immediately. It saves you from being rude.
10. Be careful they are who they say they are. If someone chats you up, gets you into bed but is never around at weekends, he’s probably already married.