How to find the one after the one

Golden rules for ‘conscious recoupling’ can make it magical the second, or third time around

Gwyneth Paltrow is engaged again. Three years since the actress and Goop founder split with Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, the father of her two children, Paltrow has found love again in the shape of Brad Falchuk, the creator of Glee. The couple have been pictured gazing at each other and looking generally smitten with each other. Ditto Martin, who has been photographed putting on a public display of affection with actress Dakota Johnson on the beach in Malibu, Calif., where he and Paltrow had a house together.

Hang on, three years — is that all it takes to move on, after a decade of marriage? Or is this the triumph of hope over experience (statistically speaking, most second marriages are doomed to failure)? As Paltrow has said: “I have tried to accept how complex romantic love can be. I have decided to give it a go again.”

That’s the thing with moving on; we think we’re ready. But unless we’ve made a stab at working out what went wrong the first — or second, or third — time, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

When I parted from my ex, and the father of my children, six years ago, I struggled to cope with the loneliness. I felt that having a failed relationship behind me meant I wasn’t attractive or worthwhile, so I threw myself in to dating with a mad and destructive abandonment, trying to convince myself that every man I met was The (next) One.

In the end, I realized that I was nowhere near being able to sustain a proper partnership. I had nothing left to offer and four kids to look after. So I went into therapy and took a long hard look at who I was. Gradually and painfully, I built a better and more aware version of myself. I have even trained as a couples counsellor.

And the single most important thing I have learned? The one thing we long for is actually the one thing we are most afraid of — and at no time is this truer than when trying to “move on.” We crave intimacy, but we fear anyone getting too close. So we pull away, the relationship fails and we find another one to act as a plaster — thinking maybe this time, it will work. Only for the same thing to happen again.

I see this pattern all the time. Couples and individuals come to me wondering why the first flush of romance has gone and why their new relationship is going the way of their past ones. They wonder if they should split up and move on again.

Yet moving on only works if you have truly done the work on why your most recent relationship failed — and how much of that might be down to you. It takes two people to mess things up, so take responsibility for your part and try not to do it again. We are still essentially ourselves, so it’s not as if we become a “new” person in a new relationship. All the same problems will crop up again unless you take a long look at what the issues were and what you might have done differently.

Simply put, to move on in a way that works, we have to make the unconscious conscious — or like Martin and Paltrow, have a “conscious uncoupling.”

— INVISION FILES Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay singer Chris Martin announced their ‘conscious uncoupling’ in 2014. Years later, though the pair have two children, Paltrow and Martin have moved on from their marriage and attracted new loves in their life.