Feeling out of tune with your teen?
Some tips on how to avoid key parental pitfalls, according to experts
There have been times when I’ve been frustrated and, I’ll admit it, a bit hurt over my inability to connect with my teens. I’m guessing my frustrations are shared by other parents who are trying so hard but going about this relationship in all the wrong ways. I’ve worked hard to figure out when and where I was getting off track in relating to my teens. Along the way, I confronted several pitfalls worth passing along. Do you speak to your teens as if they are still little kids?
Parenting must change if you wish to keep your relationships strong — not only the content but also the tone of conversation. “You need to treat them more like adults than children. Truly listen and heed their point of view, even if you disagree vehemently,” says John Duffy, clinical psychologist and author of the The Available Parent : Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens.
Are you treating conversation with them as if it’s a chore or obligation? If you are, your teens know it, and it hurts. Teens sniff out adults who pander to them and suffer through dutiful conversation before turning to other adults in a room.
Conversations also shouldn’t totally be centred on lecturing. “The lion’s share of the discussion has got to be connecting, talking, laughing and sharing,” Duffy says.
Do you multitask while listening to them?
Meg van Achterberg, founder of Capitol Hill Child Psychiatry, urges parents to drop everything if their teens want to talk. She points out that evenings and car rides are times when teens are most eager to communicate.
Do you interrupt them?
Do you finish their sentences, laugh before they are finished or react in any way before they are done talking? Relax. View your teens as good friends, says van Achterberg, adding that “showing respect and kindness toward (your teen) is as essential as it would be toward a friend.”
Do you press them into activities of your own choosing? Or do you give them permission to pursue their passions?
Instead of mirroring your own hopes and dreams, let your teens take responsibility for their own pursuits. And for teens who lack motivation? Duffy suggests pulling the parent card and insisting that they be involved in something.
Do you force the conversation too much?
Try sharing something from your own day, van Achterberg says. “(This) can lead to a conversation in which your teen may be empowered to share advice with you, a wonderful state of affairs for their confidence and your connection. A little vulnerability on your part also can go a long way.”
Do they leave the house with you calling out behind them: “Remember, drive slowly! Be safe! Text me!”
Offer basic human respect to your teens in these moments, van Achterberg says, though this doesn’t mean allowing your teens to drive if they’ve demonstrated irresponsibility or to hang out with friends you don’t trust.