Mom makes son’s life extralunchable

After the YMCA was first established here in 1859, it had operated out of a series improvised, rented facilities — first in a house on Hainer Street, later on St. Paul just west of Ontario, and from 1891 in store-front space on the west side of Queen Street, just below King. Its first purpose-built headquarters, a properly equipped, roomy facility of its own, was in a 1905 building, located where the Carlisle (the former Leonard Hotel) stands today.

By the late 1920s that building was judged to be inadequate. So, generous gifts from philanthropists Col. Reuben Wells Leonard and David Bloss Mills, plus a public subscription financed the construction of a new, even roomier, more up-to-date YMCA, to be built on the east side of Queen Street between King and Church. This new building was to be both a YMCA and a YWCA, and would contain a gymnasium, pool, running track, reading and meeting rooms, a cafeteria, as well as rooms for young men visiting the city.

The YMCA chose architects Arthur Nicholson and Robert Ian Macbeth to design the new facility. They were already known for their 1923 Land Registry Building at King and Ontario streets, numerous private residences on Yates Street and in Glen Ridge, along with a new school for that neighbourhood — all done in their distinctive and popular “neo-Tudor” style.

The Queen Street “Y” opened in late 1929 and served generations of young men and young women. However, by the late 1980s, it too was outgrown. In 1991 the YMCA announced its decision to move to a more up-to-date facility out beyond the QEW, just west of the Fairview Mall.

This opportunity for expansion and improved service put the old building in peril and dismayed local heritage advocates, who admired this fine example of the work of architects Nicholson and Macbeth.

No buyer could be found for the old building, and after a long struggle in the summer and fall of 1994 to save it, the Queen Street YMCA was demolished.

Many of the lovely details of the old building -- notably the two children’s heads that used to flank the entrance and the stained glass window inserts depicting various Y recreational activities — were carefully removed from the old building and are now displayed in the lobby of the new one. However, a big chunk of the streetscape of Queen Street was torn away in 1994 and has not yet been replaced. Dennis Gannon is a member of the Historical Society of St. Catharines. He can be reached at gannond2002@yahoo.com ASK AMY

I am 55 and my significant other is 56. We are both divorced and have children from our previous marriages. I have a son and a daughter; she has a son and two daughters. They are all young adults.

We’ve lived together for about three years. Her 23-year-old son lives with us. He is a great kid with a few anxiety issues (according to his mother).

He spends a lot of time with his girlfriend at her house, and when he does not sleep at our house his mom will bring his lunch to work for him. She makes his lunch every day.

I don’t really mind this — I just want your opinion about whether this may keep him from being independent. She does everything for him. She cleans his room, does his laundry and picks up after him.

We do not ask him to do chores or charge him rent.

I brought this up and she said she was raised to help family.

I always helped with chores growing up. I don’t mind helping him and want him to be successful. Should I ignore this and let mom do what moms do, or should I make it an issue? Would I be asking too much to give him a timeline to when he starts helping with a little room and board or some other responsibilities around the house?

He does pay his own bills. He also works close to 40 hours a week.

I work full time and pay all utilities and taxes. She works part time and pays for food, and she cooks and cleans. She has girlfriends who comment to her, “Oh, that’s so nice.” Should I feel the same? — BOTHERED

Reading between the lines, my sense is that your partner is babying her son in a way that she did not baby her daughters (you don’t mention her treatment of her daughters, so I’m making an assumption). Basically, I’m picturing an Everybody Loves Raymond situation where mom expresses her love through excessive caretaking.

My own view is that this tends to retard some very important life skills that all adults should possess: The ability to keep his space clean, take care of his own clothing and cook a meal or two.

However, the eternal stepparents’ burden is to accept the way other people parent their children, while trying to exert some influence when your own instincts are different.

Questions to answer in your household are: Does this young man have a life plan? Does he have a goal to live on his own?

You are a full partner in this household, and you have a right to ask this young adult to contribute.

Ideally, you three would sit down together and ask this son about his larger goals. I think asking for a modest rent is not only reasonable, but will help him to budget and adjust his income, spending and saving. If mom needs to wait on him while he lives at home, and if she continues to enjoy it, and if he is respectful and responsible, then you should let that part go.