Woman ponders disclosing long-ago choice

Dear Amy: For the first time in many years, I have been thinking about an episode from my earlier life.

I got pregnant one month before my 16th birthday. It was literally the first time I’d had sex; we used a condom, and it broke. That’s all it took.

As you can imagine, I was devastated. I know it sounds dramatic, but I felt betrayed by life, and I decided to terminate my pregnancy.

Well, 19 years later, I’m actually still friends with my ex, who lives in another state. He is married and has gorgeous children and I couldn’t feel happier for him!

My current boyfriend (of eight years) is ... “OK.” We have our issues due to his online habits, where he gets involved with other women.

But, despite his lapse in judgment concerning these socalled “emotional affairs,” do I “owe it to him” to tell him the truth about my history?

He wants children someday. I have ZERO desire for children, or to be a mother.

He just assumes that all women want to have babies.

I really want to tell him of my past, but I’m 35 now. Does my choice when I was a teenager really matter? If it does and he judges me, does HE matter? — NOT A MOM

Dear Not: You have been with Mr. “Just OK” for eight years. So my first question for you is why you stay with someone you don’t trust, and who is so ... meh?

Secondly, if you have kept this knowledge so close for the entirety of your relationship with him, why tell him now?

I suspect that down deep, this is a test of sorts. You tell him about the abortion, he judges and rejects you and your relationship ends (in your mind) because of his reaction, and in his mind because of your long-ago choice.

I don’t think there is a right answer concerning disclosing this choice that you made when you were 15. But I do know this: If you trusted him enough to make a life with him, you would probably have told him a long time ago. If he trusted you completely with his own life and future, he wouldn’t be looking for emotional relationships with other women online.

Your complete mismatch concerning the desire to have children is reason enough to part. Either you haven’t clearly communicated this to him, or he doesn’t believe you.

Aside from your relationship with Mr. OK, there is a deeper reason you are ruminating about this now. A therapist could help you to really sort it out. The insight will set you free.