A view toward change
“I may be your target, but I will not become your victim.”
As an out gay man who lived with a black man for 12 years, this has become a philosophy that I live by and share with people wherever I go.
Because of the recent incident that happened to the young interracial couple in Port Colborne — the couple was targeted by vandals who broke in and trashed the home the teenaged girl lives in with her parents — I thought it would be helpful to share my perspective as one who has lived through it.
Whether it’s racism, sexism, homophobia or any other ism, we cannot control how others feel about us or the actions they take because of their personal issues. The only control we have is how we act and react to what has been said about or done to us.
We are not born to discriminate or hate, as these are learned behaviours. So the blame does not lie with the person committing the act, but with the people who created that mindset. I also have to say a little blame falls to the rest of us as well when we sit idly by and allow it to happen in our presence. Or when we laugh or take part in harmful behaviour.
You may disagree with this next statement, but these people are not necessarily bad people. They simply have a flawed view of the world.
So, how do we help them see the world differently?
Do not attack back as you then become them. Anger and hateful words do not bring people together and will not heal but actually divide further as all parties will dig deeper to support their point of view.
At this point the argument goes totally off the rails. People get louder and blood pressure goes up. Things are then said that cannot be taken back and pretty soon both parties are sitting at the opposite end of the room and not talking.
It is much better to educate than segregate. I remember meeting a Muslim student from Bangladesh who was attending Brock University in a master’s program. He has a wife and three children back home and was taught that homosexuality was wrong. He told me that when we first met, he was actually homophobic.
But because I took the time to find out about him and he took the time to find out about me, he realized that all of the stereotypes he was programmed to believe were in fact not true. He met my family and my friends and now when we meet in public we give each other a huge hug as a sign of love and respect of two brothers from other mothers.
It doesn’t matter what perceptions we have of the “other,” we have to take the time to understand where they are coming from and we have to take the time to respectfully educate. Of course, there are some people who will never change their views or drop their prejudice and that’s OK. Keep in mind that I do not ever have to agree with you, but I need to accept your right to be you.
When I am confronted with anyone who has a prejudice against other religions, races, sexualities or abilities, I will try to engage in a conversation to understand why they believe what they believe. Many times I am able to share more accurate information with them that in many cases gets them to rethink their position.
The next time this happens to you, try these words. First, “Wow, you actually believe that about those people?” Of course you will get a yes, then follow up with, “So help me understand why you believe what you believe.” As the conversation develops never raise your voice but continue to ask questions and share knowledge.
The end result may not lead to an instant change, but that is OK. That person will go away and think and process. You will be surprised how many people have come back to me later and said that they have changed or are in the process of changing how they view the world and the people in it.
We change the world one person at a time, not by dividing but by educating and embracing. — Ted Mouradian is a professional speaker and author, writing on workplace employee management issues. He is a former chairman of the St. Catharines mayor’s committee on community and race relations and president of the 2 Percent Factor Inc. He can be reached at ted@the2percentfactor.com.