Husband can make but not take a joke

ASK AMY

My wife and I are successful, hardworking physicians in our late 50s.

For many years we have had stress in our marriage that often centres around my tendency to focus on perceived “wrongs,” and what I believe is her tendency to say things with hurtful intent.

After I saw a therapist, I worked harder to understand this, and our relationship has improved over the last year.

Until last night. We were watching a television show when a commercial came on. It featured a handsome man of about my age, standing in front of a very nice island home. He invited the viewers to enjoy financial independence.

I mentioned that I would like to join him on his island of wealth.

My wife said that she would like to run away with him (laughing, of course).

I did not share her laugh. I went up to bed.

Then I began to fixate on her comment, and why she thought that was so funny. I think what made it more hurtful to me is that A: I have thinning hair, and B: I just worked for over two hours making dinner for her because she was working late.

Later, I told her that her comment hurt my feelings. She replied, “But it was only a joke.” Well, of course, I knew she wasn’t going to run off with this handsome actor, but I still wonder if this is how normal, emotionally close couples share humour? — UPSET HUSBAND

Many a marriage has been strained by failed “humour.”

However, let’s re-rack the evening in question: The “joke” started with you, saying that you wanted to join this man on his private island of wealth. Given your own extreme sensitivity, why would you make this sort of comment to your wife? By saying it, were you implying that your wife has not done a good enough job of providing wealth to your family? (No, but she could take it this way if she wanted.)

Instead, your wife signified that she got the joke by making a joke in return.

It’s called domestic comedy, and in order to take the main stage, you need to not only make, but take jokes, making an effort to respect the context.

You should recommit to your individual therapy and be screened for anxiety; you and your wife could also use some relationship counselling, in order to learn ways to keep your communication family-friendly. Part of this effort would be for your wife to genuinely apologize when you tell her your feelings are hurt.