Divorced woman looks to exhusband for friendship

ASK AMY

I have been divorced for two years now. I said that I would never get married again, and I still feel that way today.

But I miss my ex-husband. I think we are better as friends. I felt like I was wearing the pants AND the skirt in the relationship and during our marriage.

I don’t know how to move on, or if I should move on.

I wonder if I should continue to be friends with my ex-husband.

I have to constantly pull information out of him. He doesn’t share his feelings until I make mention of my own.

I have isolated myself from basically everyone because they don’t understand why I am depressed about my divorce.

What should I do? Should I move on? — LONELY LADY

Life is nothing but a series of opportunities to move toward, move through and move on. Yes, you should move on.

One advantage of being divorced is the rock-solid fact that unless there are children involved, you really don’t need to concern yourself with your ex’s feelings.

It is not necessary to leave the relationship with your ex, but it IS necessary to emotionally separate from him. You don’t seem to have done so.

He isn’t sharing information with you because he has emotionally separated from you. He seems to have moved on.

According to you, you carried the entire burden of your marriage. Whether or not this is strictly true, this is your perception. And now you continue to carry the burden of your divorce.

The best way to heal from the trauma of divorce is to feel your authentic feelings, and then find ways to release them. If you are stuck in this tough inbetween space, you’ll need help and support from a counselor, spiritual practice or creative outlet or by nurturing relationships with people who will hold onto you through this. Don’t expect others to understand this, but ask them to be there for you while you learn to cope with your new reality. Please, make an effort not to isolate yourself, and be screened for depression.

The person you should not be turning to for this help and healing is your ex. Your contact with him keeps you stuck in place.

Divorce is one of the most challenging life events to recover from. I hope you will focus on your personal healing, but don’t look for your ex to provide it.

Sometimes people who dispense advice run out of answers. If you’ve ever been curious about the life behind my advice, read my new book, Strangers Tend to Tell Me Things: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Coming Home