Woman should exit from troubled relationship

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years.

He has a beautiful daughter whom I have a great relationship with.

He and I are 12 years apart, and at times I second guess his maturity.

He moved in with me about eight months ago.

I know he loves me and I love him dearly, however, his temper can really make me second guess everything too easily.

He likes to go out with friends about three times a week. When he comes home, I tend to get very nervous and begin questioning what I might have done wrong to get him upset.

It can be anything from not blow-drying my hair, to leaving a piece of his mail on his side of the bed.

I understand some men like their women to do things for them and I want to do things for him. But, that piece of mail turns into a pile of garbage in his eyes, because it starts an argument of why am I so lazy. He claims I don’t do anything for him or think of anyone but myself. Then he begins to express that’s why I’m so overweight and he body shames me in every way a man can.

I will take the bait occasionally and speak up for myself, but his anger takes over and he’s never wrong. Other times I simply stay quiet and he goes on and on.

I love this man and I try so hard to sleep these things off. But I find myself becoming an angry person being around him while he’s upset.

I know I’m not naturally an angry person, so there has to be something we can do to keep this from happening all the time. Can you help me with this? — HURTING

What you call possible immaturity, I call abusive. The behaviour you report: Going out by himself several times a week, returning home and putting you down, boxing you in so that you are constantly worried about tiny “infractions” — these are all alarming actions of a relationship that is imbalanced and abusive.

There is nothing you can do to change this dynamic unless your partner commits to change, and the guy you describe in your question does not sound inclined to change. He holds the power, and he will not readily relinquish it.

The best path for you is the path that leads you out of this unhealthy relationship. It’s time to ask him to leave your home. If you need more encouragement, please seek out family and friends who can help you to look at this risky relationship in an objective way. Don’t let this person isolate you.

“Wondering” posed a question about how to talk about her ex-husband to her young children. I agreed with your advice to be very careful.

I was divorced with two daughters. I had the ex-husband from hell. However, I had a rule. No one, absolutely no one — could say anything negative about him in my children’s presence, not my parents, not my family, not my friends.

When he tried to agitate me, I would smile and walk away. If I received a harassing phone call from him, I would listen, thank him for his opinion and politely hang up.

It was very difficult to do, but I would not allow myself to get drawn into a battle where only my children would suffer.

When my children got older and started asking questions about his behavior I would say: “It’s OK to love your dad. You don’t have to like what he does, or his values, or the things he stands for. But, it’s OK to love him.”

— BEEN THERE

Thank you for promoting this very compassionate and wise reaction to a very tough situation.

I’m writing in response to a comment from a person who works in HR who said that HR’s role is to protect the company, not the employee.

I’ve been in HR for nearly 25 years. I realize that writer’s viewpoint is a common one, but HR folks who take their roles seriously and thoughtfully see it as a dual advocacy role.

Yes, part of our jobs is to keep the company out of court, but if you’re doing it right, with the right motivation, you are also advocate for doing right by the employees. In ethical companies, those are not mutually exclusive concepts. — HR FROM BOTH SIDES

Point

I had a hard breakup in December. The relationship lasted almost a year and a half. It was excruciating getting over this person, even though I knew she was NOT the right person for me.

We bonded after she moved almost a hundred miles away for a new job. We spent every weekend together.

I walked away from the relationship after a big blow-up where she corrected me about dancing in public. She also said some other things to me on the phone that were basically put-downs.

After the breakup, I tried to date, but was having trouble getting over her. She apparently found the right person immediately after we broke up, and this really hurt me.

I recently met a wonderful girl who is the total opposite of her and she is so good to me, but I am still having trouble forgetting about the old relationship.

It has almost been five months now, and I’m still in a lot of pain. I’ve been through breakups before but for some reason this has been super hard for me to let go and to move on completely with my life. Help! — JC

There is no timetable for getting over a heartbreak, and even when you know the breakup was the right thing for you, it is still a huge loss. Mainly, it is the loss of possibility.

Please don’t compare your recovery to your ex’s, because part of what you are recovering from is the way she treated you.

Try your hardest not to let your previous relationship bleed over into your current relationship. You and your new girlfriend will build up shared experiences and memories. Take things slowly, and let these positive experiences push out your unresolved feelings about your ex.