Mom wonders how to deal with son’s freeze-out

I’m a mom of two adult children. Their dad and I have been divorced since my son was two. My ex never remarried and I finally found my soulmate about a year after my divorce.

My son is now 19. He has started a pattern of not talking to his parents for months at a time when he’s mad.

This time it was over me telling him that he needed to do one chore and pay rent. I had to give him an ultimatum to either play by the rules or to move out within 30 days (which he had been planning to do, anyway).

He decided to stop talking to me. He even turned away from me at a family event.

This is the second time he has stopped talking to me and his father. The first time he did this I almost had a nervous breakdown. This time I can’t, because I’m in school getting a bachelor’s degree and I’m taking tough classes.

Everyone says that I just need to move on. But how do I move past this and carry on?

My heart really hurts. I feel like I need to keep my walls up.

His father is hurt, too, and his stepdad would like to throttle him — not really, but you know what I mean. What’s your advice? — DEVASTATED MOM

Your son is having a tantrum, grabbing his blankie and disappearing into the closet.

The reason he is behaving this way for the second time is because when he did it before, it worked. You almost had a nervous breakdown.

Your son is a teenager. His judgment is sometimes poor. Many teenagers basically behave as if there is no tomorrow — because they are not future-focused. They are all about getting what they want/need right now.

The message from all of the parents in his life should be, “I want the very best for you. But it’s time to grow up, son. You can do it, and we’re in your corner.” And then you should stay calm, and let him find his way back into the fold. Keep in touch with him by sending neutral and supportive messages: “I’m thinking about you. How are things going?” Continue to invite him to family events.

You need to take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and tell yourself not to surrender your emotional life to a teenager. You moving forward and succeeding in college will provide a very good example for him to follow.