Expatriate goes on a long guilt trip

Dear Amy: I am a 25-yearold living abroad. I have had some wonderful life experiences and have made good friends. I find my work fulfilling.

I am the youngest of two children, with parents who are nearing their late 60s. A few weeks ago my mother wrote me a message telling me how important family is and how much she misses me.

I couldn’t help but feel like it was a guilt trip and my response wasn’t the kindest.

My mother is now healing from back surgery and I feel guilty for not being there to help her (and my sister, who has a new baby) while she heals.

I come home for a few months each summer, but as my parents had me later in life, I can’t help but feel like I am being selfish for taking advantage of this opportunity while they are ageing.

Is it wrong for me to be so far away? How much of my life do I owe to my parents once I enter adulthood?

— WONDERING Dear Wondering: You seem to have sent yourself on this guilt trip, and it is inappropriate and unkind for you to blame your mother for saying that she misses you. Of course she does!

It is not wrong for you to live so far away. You don’t report that anyone in your family is pressuring you to do anything differently. The only thing you are doing wrong is to assign your own guilt to the wrong party, and to reflect your own conflicted feelings through hostility. It is easy to maintain something of a presence, through Skype calls, messages and photo sharing. (When I was your age, I only had something called airmail.)

Apologize to your mother for your own reaction, and reconnect with your family when you’re home this summer. As an adult, you don’t “owe” portions of your life to your parents. You only owe them respect and kindness. I assume that’s all they want.