Hosting parties causes stress for wife

ASK AMY

My wife and I love to have people over. We often offer to host parties for friends’ birthdays, kid’s sports teams, etc.

I believe that when you host a party, you really should not expect your guests to do anything except show up and have a good time.

There are times when people offer to bring something, and we either accept the offer or not.

My wife gets very upset if guests do not jump out of their chairs to help put food out or take out the trash during the party.

She gets so upset that the party becomes a source of stress for her. She will make it quite obvious that she is unhappy during the party.

She will even start cleaning up in the middle of the party to “get a head start,” but to me that is telling your guests it is time to go.

After the party she will complain about “all of these lazy people,” and about how rude people are.

I believe that when you offer to host a party, you should take care of everything and if you want help, ask for it, but I do not expect people to come and work. What’s your take? — JIM IN VIRGINIA

I’m with you, overall. But this probably won’t help to solve the problem in your household.

So here’s a little admission of my own: Not too long ago, a family member of mine pointed out that while I seem to enjoy being generous, I would then complain about the personal toll and stress of being a perpetual hostess.

Basically, the message was, “If you’re going to offer, then don’t complain when people take you up on it. Otherwise, don’t offer!”

Your wife is obviously stressed by the effort these large gatherings require. You should tell her that because she always seems so unhappy during and after these parties, it might be best to take a break from large-scale entertaining.

Although it is always polite for a guest to offer their help, a host should not expect guests to leap up, unbidden, to clear and clean.

The next time you host a gathering, you should tell her that she will be your guest and that you will handle the hosting duties. And then — do it. Ask a guest (or your children) for help if you need it, and let your wife see what it’s like to enjoy your own party.

An additional suggestion is to hire a teenager to help, so you can both have an extra pair of hands to assist.