Ghosting ‘evil’ aunt is not bullying

ASK AMY

For all who don’t know my aunt well, she is a loving, sweet, and caring person with a great personality. Unfortunately, for her family members, we all know her true dark, psychotic, and twisted side and have been subject to her abusive mental torture.

Her daughter is just like her, so as we moved into adulthood many family functions were full of displays of their subliminal abuse, which may appear harmless to others, but is actually quite upsetting to the ones who know their true intentions (side glances, mutterings under breath, quiet tantrums, and “innocent” comments disguised as “concern” to other relatives to garner their sympathy). They are like the evil stepsisters in Cinderella, who gang up on others and then act innocent and try to gaslight you into thinking you misinterpreted their intentions.

After the birth of her first child, my sister decided to cut them out of her life after one such scene at a party. My other sister followed suit, and they were no longer part of any holidays, birthday parties, etc.

We occasionally see them at other gatherings we aren’t a part of arranging, but my sisters usually opt out of those because they don’t want to deal with her. I think that’s overkill, but fully support my sisters and keep a surface-level relationship with my aunt to keep the peace on both sides. But yet again, while I was also a victim of her cruelty, I am stronger than my sisters and have better coping skills.

Amy, do you think this is bullying for me to essentially “ghost” my aunt? I personally think this gives fuel to her fire of playing the victim and garnering sympathy, but my sisters don’t handle confrontation well. Sometimes you just have to walk away.

Do you think this was the right path to take? What else can we do? Is it bullying to cut out the bully?

— NOT A BULLY

Avoiding a bully is not bullying, it is a “fight or flight” survival technique. Any person has the right to avoid another person, and mutually avoiding a bully doesn’t count as social exclusion. You could help to turn down the heat on this by checking your own descriptors of the behaviour: “Mental torture,” “Subliminal abuse,” “quiet tantrums,” “evil,” and casting yourself and others as “victims,” etc.

Your aunt’s behaviour sounds slippery, insidious, and tough to nail down. She sounds like a jerk. I believe the best response is to make eye contact and be calm, assertive, direct, and calmly call someone out — if possible. Otherwise, behaving with consistent, socially polite and cool regard is a good way to take away the bully’s most powerful tool: the ability to control someone through intimidation.