When the art of storytelling meets in the kitchen
BACK OF HOUSE
The Oxford English dictionary defines the word hyperbole as: exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally. Whereas a tall tale is a story with unbelievable elements, related as if it were true.
In either case, at the root of both is a stretched, fictional truth. Nowhere is this art form more perfected than among kitchen brigades – particularly when two or more kitchens meet.
We all have a friend so desperate to maintain sway in a conversation that he or she will go to great lengths to embellish a tale. Left to their own devices, these people can end up spewing some truly unbelievable myths. While at university I had a friend who was so easy in this department that it was difficult not to push him into the ridiculous.
For instance, a simple conversation about boy scout camping outdoors during the winter, played subtly, would have him upping the ante so vigorously that by the end he was left raging about how he was left for a week, soaking wet with only a penknife in a winter gale…
When two or more cooks get together, this sort of upping the ante develops rather quickly. I know I have done it myself, but as I am aging I find overhearing these conversations both humorous and a little embarrassing.
Typically, the sort of things cooks compete over possess a ‘woe is me’ and ‘hard done by’ factor: The heat of the last kitchen they worked in; terrible injuries they have sustained in the trade; the numbers of hours they have been worked; or the most vicious chef they have worked under.
Find the right talker in the group and you will certainly witness myth making. “I once worked with a guy who cut off two fingers on his right hand and then finished the entire service.” “My last job we were scheduled to work 18 hours per day.” “I worked for a chef in Europe who would burn you with cob of corn; place each on a sheet of foil. Sprinkle with chili powder and wrap tightly with foil. Cook, turning frequently, over medium heat on natural gas barbecue for 20 minutes. Serves 8 a pan if you sent him an underseasoned sauce.” Wait, that one’s true!
Perhaps the greatest fount for kitchen hyperbole surrounds restaurant cover counts. How well I remember spilling into a local Niagara-on-the-Lake watering hole after a busy shift and encountering cooks from a rival restaurant. There would be the usual posturing and then the numbers game would be on. A conservative guess would put the increase in covers anywhere from 30 per cent to 50 per cent in the retelling: “Busiest night the restaurant has ever seen”; “We crushed out 100 people per half hour,” etc.
We would do this night after night! Of course, there are some restaurants that are so savagely busy that to inject a cook’s counting tall tale to the mix would be gilding the lily; those cooks usually weren’t asked about their business.
Some chefs can’t seem to shake this form of one-up-man-ship, the numbers competition simply shifts to revenues.
At the end of the day, though, this exaggeration comes from a good place. It is a sure sign that we want to be busy.
We want to be the best. Even if being the best takes a little stretch. Heat grill to medium. Combine in an eight-by-eight inch (20-by-20 cm) baking pan or a 10-inch (25-cm) cast iron frying pan the eggplant, zucchini, squash and bell peppers and toss with three tablespoons (45 mL) of olive oil and generous amounts of salt and pepper. Brush onions with one tablespoon (15 mL) of the oil and sprinkle with salt. Arrange all vegetables on grill and cook until they have grill marks and begin to soften, three to four minutes. Turn and grill another two minutes. Meanwhile, pour tomato purée into the baking or frying pan, and season with salt and pepper. Add garlic and half of the leaves from the oregano sprigs, stirring to combine mixture well. Transfer grilled vegetables to a plate. Spread eggplant on tomato puree, overlapping slices slightly. Follow with a layer of zucchini, then a layer of onions, then peppers, then squash. If you have more vegetables, repeat layers until all the vegetables have been added. Press down slightly on vegetables, drizzle with the remaining two tablespoons (30 mL) of oil, the remaining oregano and more salt and pepper to taste. Crumble feta on top, cover and return pan to the grill for 10 to 15 minutes until sauce bubbles, vegetables are soft and feta has melted. Serve, sprinkled with the parsley, cutting the ratatouille into squares. Serves 4