Welcome The Rock to the jungle
Jumanji debuts in movie theatres this week
Movies
Big releases: The Greatest Showman; Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (Dec. 20); Downsizing (Dec. 22).
Big picture: Jumanji chooses a Guns N’ Roses song as its subtitle and promises “fun and games” with the casting of Everyman and every-other-movie lead Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson. Because no one plays with board games anymore (except hipsters), this Jumanji sequel finds a bunch of slack-jawed teenagers sucked into the original Jumanji world via a mysterious video game.
Meanwhile, The Greatest Showman is Moulin Rouge meets American Horror Story: Freak Show (as directed by Disney) meets Wolverine in a top hat. Hugh Jackman plays a visionary showman who creates an international circus sensation, in a tale loosely inspired by the imagination of P.T. Barnum. He also spouts feel good lines “Every one of us is special and no one is like anyone else.”
Finally, Downsizing finds Matt Damon and Kristen Wiig living the short life after scientists discover how to shrink humans to five inches tall as a solution to over-population. Their new world is one where “you can live like kings” with the best houses and restaurants, and where a real-world size vodka bottle can serve as a fountain of endless drunks.
Forecast: The Rock may be singlehandedly keeping Hollywood from dystopian ruins at this point. (I predict Downsizing will end with Damon coming face-to-face with Rick Moranis’s character from Honey I Shrunk the Kids, who secretly rules the tiny paradise like Big Brother).
TV
Big events: Bright (Dec. 22, Netflix); Gunpowder (HBO, Dec. 18).
Big picture: Just when you thought it was safe to live in a world without Will Smith, he jumps into the world of Netflix original films. Bright is a US$90-million buddy-cop fantasy about an alternate, present-day Earth where fantasy creatures like orcs, elves and fairies live among us. The plot centres around the discovery of a magic wand, described as “a nuclear weapons that grants wishes.” (This is the kind of movie for people who want to watch Will Smith swat and squash a fanged fairy that is abusing his bird feeder.) Did I mention the buddy-cop duo is orc-human?
Meanwhile, Jon Snow crosses time and dimensions to plot the fiery destruction of the British Parliament in 1605. Kit Harington stars in the three-part BBC series following the real-life violent conspiracy to murder King James I during the state opening of Parliament. “For the first time in my life, my heart is full and my purpose is clear,” his character says.
Save it for Westeros, buddy. Liv Tyler co-stars for some reason (when we all know she should be donning elf ears for Bright).
Forecast: Bright would lighten up my life a lot more if Mike Myers was playing Shrek as a live-action cop.
Music
Big holiday releases: Elvis Presley & The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra (Christmas with Elvis Presley and The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra); Cheap Trick (Christmas Christmas).
Big picture: With no new releases this week, we look at the best 2017 holiday releases — and some ones to poke fun at. First, one-time boyboppers Hanson serve up Finally It’s Christmas — the one time of the year that no one asks them to sing MMMbop.
Meanwhile, fellow ghosts of popmusic past, 98º, drop Let It Snow. Hark the herald as veteran rockers Cheap Trick unwrap an album featuring holiday originals and holiday covers of the Ramones and Chuck Berry. In all seriousness, it would be a blue Christmas if I didn’t mention the excellent pairing of classic Elvis holiday performances with new accompaniment from the world-famous orchestra.
Forecast: The ghosts of Christmas future warn me of a one-day washed up Drake releasing a holiday album called Christmas Bling. (Be gone cruel phantoms! Be gone!)