Should you ‘out’ a cheater?

Q . A few years ago, at 19, I went out with my girlfriends. We were into partying then.

We ended up at the same bar as some local hockey players. Three of them hit on the three of us. I ended up having a one-night stand, as did the others.

The next day my friend who’d been there said that she knew for a fact that my “date” had a serious girlfriend. I felt awful. Why didn’t she tell me beforehand? I didn’t want to have sex with someone else’s guy!

Besides, I’d rarely done this sort of thing and haven’t since.

I wanted to forget it immediately. But he sent me a couple of really dirty texts, which I didn’t answer.

Then his girlfriend sent me an angry message. I was horrified and embarrassed, so I deleted it too.

I didn’t want her to accuse me of trying to “steal” her boyfriend when I never wanted to see him again.

Now I sometimes wonder, if I should’ve just said, “Yes, he fully came onto me first, and I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. Your guy is a cheater.”

I probably would’ve been doing her a favour, though I have no idea if they’re still together.

A. It’s a question that periodically arises in this column: Should you “out” a cheater?

The responses from readers have always varied widely. Some feel very strongly that if the cheater’s married and has children, the spouse should be told. Then it’s up to him or her how to handle it.

Of course, it risks a friendship to be the one bearing bad news.

Others feel it’s none of anyone else’s business to snitch and possibly break up a couple. The partners may even have an “arrangement” you don’t know about and they’ll both resent you for interfering.

In this case, you were young and apparently drinking a lot. He’s the one who “cheated” but you let down your more usual resistance to one-night stands.

And regretted it the next day, especially when his offensive texts treated you like cheap goods.

Worse, you became a target for his girlfriend’s anger.

Going silent was the best move along with avoiding that hockey player indefinitely.

No time for sex or romance?

Q. My husband of 10 years and I both work full-time and have two children in elementary school who have hockey and dance schedules that require driving and pickups.

There’s NO TIME for sex. Or romance, or quiet time alone.

Is this our lives for the next 20 years? A. These busy years call for making choices.

If work life can be adjusted (part-time, some at-home work), that’s one potential choice. If not, sign the kids up for what YOU can handle or get help to handle (car pools, grandparents, nanny if affordable, etc.).

Couples need to touch as much as talk about the desire to stay physically connected — daily hugs, showering together, keeping some nighttime and weekend time clear, even if it means missing something else in order to make love.

Yes, schedules and plans are easily disrupted by kids’ illness, extra stress at your jobs, and plain fatigue. But if you keep your eye on the goal, you can find time for a wake-up cuddle, for texting a sexy message in the day and signalling your desire when you get together at night. Massage anyone?

Feedback

Regarding the married man who flirts but needs to stop, regarding a particular woman (May 12):

Reader: “My thoughts for the guy: Buy a big fat wedding ring, put it on, and wear it at all times. Put pictures of his wife and kids in his wallet, so that when he goes to pay the bar bill, they’re visible.

“If the woman doesn’t notice the pictures hold them up and show her: “These are my amazing kids, and my beautiful wife who’s not only the mother of my children, but the love of my life. I’m so lucky to be married to her.”

“Talk about them. A lot. After that, he’ll likely find he has no problems keeping his pants zipped up.