He just doesn’t get it
Q. Recently, my girlfriend and I went out for all-you-can-eat sushi. Later, I helped her move in with me.
I did all the heavy lifting. It drove me crazy that she didn’t help, so I expressed myself.
Later, we unpacked all her goods. My place is small, she had to reduce her massive wardrobe. During that process she mentioned her stomach was hurting. It became so painful, I had to show her things and let her decide where I should put them.
Her illness seemed suspicious. I’d already offered stomach medications. Soon, she lay in our bed, shaking. I helped her to the bathroom to throw up.
Previously, she’d told me that when I have a sick stomach, I should make myself throw up. I advised the same and she did. But first she said she didn’t think it’d help. People who create false problems often reject solutions so that they can continue to get the attention they must crave.
I gave her water, rubbed her back, held her hair, got her toothbrush ready. But I didn’t give her the attention. I brought her back to bed and spooned her at her request. Since I wouldn’t want to be bothered if in her position, I watched a movie on my phone.
She said I wasn’t helping her at all and that our relationship was going to fail.
When I called her out on everything, she fell silent. She bought into her own fake story.
What should I do? Why did she do what she did? How should I react if I ever suspect her acting again?
A. From the top:
1. I love sushi, but “all-you-can-eat” often promotes overdoing it. Her stomach pain may’ve been legitimate.
2. I hate vomiting and so do most people. It’s body-wracking and difficult to force relief if there wasn’t some need … even though she may’ve exaggerated it.
3. Moving in with someone is an emotionladen change. Yes, she should’ve helped more but the whole procedure and having to give up some of her things, must’ve been upsetting.
4. You stayed by her side through it, which was good.
5. You just didn’t get it, that she wanted more than attention. No, it was reassurance that you were the right partner for her to have chosen.
6. You’re a good guy at heart because you’re asking for help for future incidents.
7. The answer: Do not interpret a bid for attention only as “acting.”
Find out what’s really upsetting her and try to work it out together, without blame.
Haunted by his ex-wife
Q. Why won’t my new husband remove the name of his late wife (expired five years ago) from mail that comes to our home?
I’d requested this months before we married. He says that he will, but hasn’t.
He still has many photos of her with him on his Facebook page.
It’s caused heated arguments. She’s dead. Send her mail to heaven. I’m tired of seeing it at our home.
A. There’s more to this, for you to actually feel “disgust” about it. Getting counselling together seems crucially needed.
He’s obviously moved on in life by marrying you. But he still respects her memory, and perhaps feels awkward obliterating her image on Facebook where family and friends would notice.
Meanwhile, you speak very harshly about her, which could feel too hurtful to him to bother about her name on an envelope. Therapy can help get past this.
Reader feedback
Feedback: Regarding the grandparents who only get to see their grandchildren annually (June 21):
Reader: “Those grandparents torpedoed their relationship with their daughter-inlaw the second they ‘questioned the relationship’ of their son and her, when she got pregnant.
“I wouldn’t be so forthcoming either if my pregnancy became a point of contention for my in-laws after I’d taken care of their son for years.
“They should do some serious soulsearching, as it seems they’re oblivious to their part in destroying this relationship.”