Stand up to your in-laws

Q. My husband of 25 years and I are in our 50s. We’re respectful, thoughtful and share interests. However, his family and his inability to set boundaries have caused irreparable damage.

One sister and one brother are troublemakers — verbally abusive with namecalling, body-shaming and ignorant, unprovoked attacks. They humiliate and hurt people (particularly me) and are manipulative.

Being in their presence puts my anxiety on high alert. I can’t smile and pretend anymore. I was young, inexperienced and lacked the self-esteem to realize what I was up against with this family from the start.

There’s no reciprocation from them, no integrity. Dishonesty is commonplace.

Now, an event’s approaching, which I know my sister-in-law wants to hold at our place as she lacks the space.

After years of my doing favours unappreciated and being treated disrespectfully in between her wanting something, she’s sucking up to me.

I told my husband I’m done doing favours for them. While he appears to agree, I don’t trust him when it comes to his family.

He was taught that if there’s an issue with your sibling versus your partner, never take your partner’s side. I resent this greatly.

He feels nothing when they denigrate me in front of him, and that says everything I need to know about his loyalty.

I know he loves me, but this makes me so resentful that I’m often angry. He refuses therapy and gets very mad when I raise it. Am I overreacting?

A. You’re not overreacting! You’ve unfortunately wasted your energy on anxiety over bullies who won’t ever change.

Now that you’re older and wiser, besides fed up, it’s your husband you need to inform of where you stand.

No, you will not host an event or do any other favours for people who malign you. He either accepts it, or he can host it himself at some venue he needs to pay for, not at the home you own jointly.

Tell your sister-in-law it’s not possible. If she persists, say that she’s never been nice to you and you’re done with doing favours.

Then go to counselling on your own to consider your future with or without your husband. Report what you learn from the counsellor and invite him to go, too, if he wants to save the marriage.

Have a safe exit strategy

Feedback: Regarding the woman who wrote that she worries about what her husband will do to their son if she asks for a separation (July 17):

Reader: “I was heartbroken to read the article, as I work for a nonprofit organization called the Vancouver Eastside Educational Enrichment Society, which has a program called newSTART Bridging that works with women who have dealt with violence and abuse.

“I hope that the letter-writer can connect with an agency similar to newSTART in their area, for support and a safety plan.

“Just a phone call to the staff there can provide confidential assistance for free.”

Ellie: Thanks for reminding any readers of all genders living with abuse to seek such resources as you mention and a safe plan for leaving rather than staying at risk.

Apologize to pregnant cousin

Q. I’ve supported and loved my cousin even though she pushes people away and makes terrible choices. She’s now pregnant, and the baby’s father is already bailing.

My wedding is in the fall, and she’s mentioned bringing a “friend.” She added that she’d probably not come at all because she’d be too pregnant. I said if she does attend, I’d need the friend’s name three weeks beforehand for the place card.

She ranted about how she couldn’t do that and wouldn’t discuss it anymore. She blocked me on social media.

I don’t think I was being rude or unreasonable. I’m hurt by her reaction and selfishness. Do I have a reason to apologize?

A. Yes, reach out and apologize. She’s on her own, about to become a single mom. A blank place card can be written on at the last minute.