Abortion’s not the issue — her responsibility is

Q: I’m a concerned mother whose single daughter, 29, is pregnant (early stage) from an ex-boyfriend she no longer even likes.

She plans to travel exotic parts of the world with her baby just a few months after it’s born.

My daughter is a sweet, loving person but not very practical. She’s a steady, responsible worker and has some savings, but she can only rely for extras on her maternity-leave income. We’re not rich parents.

But she already told me that she’d be expecting hands-on help from me and her father, with no realization that his serious health problems will limit his helping with a newborn.

She also wants us to travel to meet her and the infant in the different countries she plans to visit.

The pregnancy is still very early. I told her to have an abortion. She’s already done so with past pregnancies so she said she’ll have to think about it.

But there’s a limit on how long she can take, if she’s to have a legal abortion.

She’s seeing a doctor soon. What should I do to get her to give up this pregnancy?

Would you tell her to get an abortion?

Very Worried Mother

A: The decision to have or not have an abortion is not one I’d ever advise on from this column, which deals with relationships, not the religious factors nor medical issues nor human values that may be involved in that decision.

But there are other issues involved regarding your daughter’s life, which you as her mother can/should discuss with her.

One is her lack of personal responsibility regarding sex. At 29, and having already had unwanted pregnancies, she’s apparently not bothered to prevent them.

She also seems to envision an infant as a doll that she can easily transport in a backpack along with her other portable belongings.

If your daughter is as offhand, casual, impetuous and free-spirited as she sounds, she needs a lot of input from you about getting informed on infant care, necessary precautions regarding tropical diseases, travel restrictions due to the pandemic if it hasn’t disappeared, etc.

While I won’t tell her to have an abortion, I will tell her this: It takes a lot more than pregnancy to be a mother.

She needs to start acting like one now — by discussing her plans with her doctor, taking prenatal courses, talking to a tropical disease specialist about the advisability of taking an infant on such a trip, etc., etc.

Q: On a vacation last year, my husband was always eager to go to the lobby to access free Wi-fi there.

I once caught him texting a friend’s girlfriend about what she was wearing. Confronted, he said she was talking about what she planned to wear to a wedding. He was short with me.

We’ve been married for 30 years with three kids and five grandkids.

I’ve caught him in a couple of lies. When confronted, he’d change his stories. He’ll go on and on … still lying, but being abrupt with me.

His family’s so dysfunctional. Two brothers are cheaters and the sister’s husband is questionable.

Your View?

A: You’ve put up with him for 30 years and known his family’s flaws likely as long.

You mention “a couple of lies,” and his texting with a friend’s girlfriend. Annoying stuff, yes, but not affairs.

You stayed with him. Tell him his lies are foolish. But if he cheats, he gets counselling … or must leave.

Ellie’s tip of the day

A new baby is a responsibility which can be joyous but requires realistic preparation.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.