You really should talk over those big life changes

Q: I’m a single male, 34, living and working away from my family, at a turning point over my future.

I’ve been doing postgraduate studies in the medical field and working part-time.

Now I’m thinking about switching to amore practical, needed occupation as an essential health worker. The pandemic has made me want to be among those who help others through this kind of health crisis.

Also, I’ve met a woman very different from my family’s background. I’ve developed strong feelings for her.

Our basic values are the same. She fully supports my switch to a different path of study and work.

But I wonder if I’m being carried away with the romance of it all — me as the hero with a lover at my side.

How can I make sure that I’m making the right decisions, though they’ll create a new set of challenges? Mid-thirties Turning Point

A: If possible, visit your closest support people (parents/best friend?) and bring your girlfriend. Or contact them virtually online, and discuss your switch in work interest on its own. Then also introduce your love interest.

Those steps will give you, and them, awareness of how strongly you’re determined about your feelings and plans.

If they try to dissuade you from any of your decisions, that’s actually helpful, too, because it’ll push you to be very sure you can handle these changes in your life.

Meanwhile, look into what’s needed to make the studying and job-seeking moves required. It may take more time than you imagined, or be less complicated than you think, especially since your postgrad studies were already in the medical field.

Also, ask to meet your girlfriend’s family. They may need to be assured that you’re serious about her, and committed to a shared life despite any mutual adjustments needed on behalf of background differences.

So long as you’re both certain of the love you share, and both willing and capable of compromising, you’ll then have an idea of family reactions, and of personal strength/willingness to meet any challenges.

Dear Readers: A Sept. 16 column that focused on the total family split between grandparents and siblings, including in-law spouses that ended up excluding one couple and their young children, brought much feedback:

Reader No. 1: “A great deal of the time (in these kinds of situations) it’s about conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. And it’s about power and control.

“But it’s so sad that so many children (in this case, they’re now 10 and 12) are deprived of loved ones (grandparents, aunts, uncles), some for an entire lifetime, because of this.”

Ellie: The following is an example of how upsetting, confusing and divisive such family disagreements can become:

Reader No. 2: “My sister-in-law had a milestone birthday.

She had a get-together celebration that included her sister, her sister’s husband and family.

“My husband and I weren’t invited. “I’d bought her a gift but I now don’t feel like giving it to her. What do you think?”

Ellie: Look at the example above. Yes, families have squabbles that can become major feuds.

That obviously didn’t happen in your case, or you wouldn’t have expected to be invited — the family split would already be a fact.

So there’s still time to try to keep an open door, for the sake of the larger family and especially the youngsters who need the security of family support.

Give her the gift.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Follow your heart and mind on making major life changes but first learn the most significant adjustments involved.