You shouldn’t push therapy on your unhappy wife

Q: My wife (33) and I (34) have been together 14 years, married for seven, with a five-year-old son and one-yearold daughter.

Our relationship’s always been easy/natural, from moving in together to starting careers, buying a house, getting married, having children.

Then, eight months ago (MID-COVID-19, her maternity leave and me starting working from home), my wife expressed she was struggling to be happy.

She felt taken for granted to watch the kids, make supper, etc. I felt horrible about it. I began doing more around the house and made sure she had every opportunity to do things for herself again — like go to the gym, for walks, connect with her girlfriends, etc.

Things improved partly. I gave her space to work through transitioning from a full-time mom to a woman in the workplace again with interests, a personality, etc.

She was redeveloping her image and finding our new norm.

We’ve continued talks over months and how we’re feeling has become clearer. Recently she said she loved me as a person, as a parenting partner, as the father of her kids.

But she’s struggling to find the “in-love” feeling towards me.

Apparently, she’s felt this for some years but ignored those feelings. Yet I’ve never loved her more.

We’ve not prioritized our marriage since having kids and we’re paying the price now.

I want to fix the problems immediately but she needs time to process and work things out. She also isn’t comfortable with going to therapy.

Is this normal at our stage and do you have any tips? I’m trying to assure we do more as a couple to help us connect and find that love again.

Missing My Wife

A: Your wife’s busy — at home, at work, parenting with you, reconnecting with colleagues and friends.

She’s experiencing one of the great — and overwhelming — life changes, especially for women, from pregnancy through birthing a child, to responsibilities of parenting to having another baby then re-entering the workforce.

Consider the emotional and hormonal changes through that cycle plus the impact of expectations of her being a loving, happy, wife.

You’re being very supportive, that’s clear. But you can only experience a fraction of those adjustments she’s making.

You need to recognize her reactions come from a background, upbringing and longingrained beliefs that have nothing to do with yours or your different ways. That’s why over communicating doesn’t always work.

Hopefully, someone other than you will tell her she’s avoiding therapy because she’s afraid of it. She wants changes for herself but fears hearing or being reminded of things she won’t like.

A course of private time with an experienced counsellor (easily found online) will help her place all these life changes in perspective. She’ll learn it’s hard to focus on being “in love” when she’s reeling from one lifestyle to another, still trying to find her place in each.

She’ll also learn it’s not uncommon for couples at your stage to have to turn on an adjustment switch. Insight from therapy will help her understand her feelings aren’t unusual while she’s still seeking security in her several roles.

Love her, and stay supportive, but let her find her own comfort level in this new phase. However, if she keeps refusing therapy, I’m an advocate of going yourself, talking out the situation with a counsellor and telling your wife what you’ve learned about yourself.

Then leave it up to her. She wants that agency for finding her own clarity, herself. Ellie’s tip of the day

When life changes overshadow your “love” feelings, deal with the changes.