Wanted: A positively perfect governor general
With Chief Justice Richard Wagner more than capable of discharging the essential duties of the departed, unlamented Julie Payette, there is plenty of time to cast a wide net for the next governor general. There is time to solicit applications from the public, perhaps with an ad more — or less — along these lines:
VICEREGAL POSITION AVAILABLE
The Clerk of the Privy Council for Canada invites applications for the position of Governor General of Canada, Commander-in-chief of the Canadian Forces, and representative of Her Majesty in Her Dominion of Canada.
God Save the Queen!
The successful applicant may be male or female, straight or gay, but must be proficient in both official languages. He or she will be an exceptional Canadian of impeccable character and pristine personal life with no skeletons in their family closet. If you are such a person, kindly submit a detailed application establishing your willingness and ability to discharge the responsibilities of this position for an annual salary (current) of $308,972, plus perqs, pension and use of a vehicle (armoured).
Although you will technically outrank the prime minister, you will be bound to accept his advice unless he requests you to do something — like dissolve Parliament for an election — that your advisers deem to be constitutionally dodgy, in which case you may reject his advice, and retreat to the basement of Rideau Hall until the firestorm abates.
You must also accept the presence of the prime minister and his family as squatters in one of your Rideau Hall outbuildings until someone gets around to deciding whether to demolish or rebuild their crumbling residence on the other side of Sussex Drive.
You will agree to share your life with a detail of RCMP officers assigned to guard your premises, protect your person, carry your groceries and, as needed, walk the viceregal dog.
Your duties will be largely ceremonial and, at times, suffocatingly boring. You will read speeches from the throne written for you by anonymous officials in which you will mouth promises you know the government will never get around to keeping. You will grant royal assent to bills you have not read.
You will host official dinners for foreign leaders and assorted visitors, some of whom you, if still a private citizen, would never allow in your home. You will graciously welcome hordes of schoolchildren touring the capital. You will travel the land, bringing greetings from the Queen to remote communities and delivering messages of profound regret from the prime minister whose duties detain him in Ottawa.
You will represent Canada abroad. You will make state visits to countries selected for you by committees in Ottawa. Do not be surprised if some are countries that the prime minister’s political gurus consider too unimportant for the PM to waste time on. However, you will explain that the prime minister’s busy schedule unfortunately keeps him in Ottawa.
In your role as commander-inchief, you will be required to visit military bases in all parts of Canada. You will inspect troops, make patriotic short speeches, eat the food served in mess halls, and join generals for drinks in officers’ clubs. If you do not have military service in your background, the viceregal tailors will create fake uniforms for you. You will be able to pass as the doorman of the swankiest hotels in London and Paris.
Your most important duty will be as a symbol or expression of all that is good and admirable about Canada and Canadian life. You will stand tall for Canadian values, even when you feel like throwing yourself down and beating your fists on the carpet in frustration. In times of national crisis, such as the COVID-19 pandemic, you will be what your predecessors have been in terrible times — a beacon of hope and an inspiration to Canadians to keep on trucking.
The Clerk of the Privy Council will especially welcome applications this year from Indigenous Canadians. Astronauts need not apply.
Cambridge resident Geoffrey Stevens, an author and former Ottawa columnist and managing editor of the Globe and Mail, retired this year from teaching political science at the University of Guelph. His column appears Mondays. He welcomes comments at geoffstevens40@gmail.com