Belated Valentine tips for seniors
THE RETIREMENT COACH
Men, particularly seniors, require help regarding Valentine’s Day, particularly when your Valentine has been with you for a long time, as is the case with mine. After multiple decades, mere flowers and chocolates are not enough.
Someday, your spouse will receive a lovely letter from the Queen or our Prime Minister congratulating her on her marital stick-to-it-ness, and surely, that will make it all worthwhile. But, until then, one must be prepared to acknowledge one’s love with more inventive items. Women are peculiar that way. They actually enjoy expressions of feelings and emotions. Men must learn to accept this odd behaviour even if they do not fully understand it.
Alas, today is February 27, the same date that the British Labour Party was founded. Why is this important? Because February 14 was Valentine’s Day to celebrate with your wife, but like most men in these troubled times, you probably forgot it.
Fortunately, tomorrow is the very day in 364 when Valentinian I became Roman Emperor, but ruled only until 375, shorter than Kim Campbell as P.M. (132 days), but he is your excuse. Look your partner in the eye, and declare, “Sweetie, I prefer to celebrate Valentinian I Day rather than St. Valentine. Don’t forget the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre in Chicago thanks to
“Bugs” Moran, Al Capone and organized crime.”
Simple solution, right? Now, music is the key. There are songs that lurk in your memory bank that will immediately retrieve warm, romantic memories. (No, not the House of the Rising Sun!) My favourite is First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. When Roberta Flack sings that passionate ballad, I feel good all over. That’s the celebrated power of music, which men must learn to tap into. I will now provide brilliant suggestions to help you better celebrate Valentinian I Day with your paramour.
Give her a colouring book and some crayons and play Colour My World by “Chicago.” The book’s content should be something in the line of fairy princess, if you want to suck up. If you make the mistake of something geographic (in keeping with Chicago) this might cost a lot of money, as it implies travel. Stick with the fairy princess motif, and potential travel will be imaginary.
Remember the movie, Doctor Zchivago, particularly the part when he wrote poetry about his love while in the Winter Palace surrounded by long, cold Russian icicles? Go outside and collect some snow. Bring it inside and place a candle in its centre. Light the candle and play Lara’s Theme. To excel, have a piece of poetry handy. If you can’t write poetry, borrow this creation by me: “In Russia when it’s cold, thoughts become quite bold, but lovers can catch cold if they’re not sold -- on safety.” A nice cadence, don’t you think? And the safety warning ties in with the use of a condom. If there is no snow outside thanks to global warming, go to the freezer and chip out some ice. Be inventive.
She will love you for it.
You may apply the same candle trick with You Light Up My Life by Debbie Boone, but it’s not quite the same effect. Another frosty theme would be to “mistakenly” on purpose lock your Valentine outside in the nippy air for five minutes, then when you rescue her and invite her return inside, shaking and shivering, give her a nice warm cup of hot chocolate and play Every Breath You Take by The Police.
If on a fixed income, your romance may be short of cash. You must be truly creative. The following ploy is dangerous, and will work only once in a lifetime (if that) so be very careful with this technique. Tell your spouse that, try as you might, you simply couldn’t purchase anything appropriate for her because she has it all and is in need of nothing more. Play Just the Way You Are by Billy Joel, cross your fingers and hope for the best.
For my spouse, I purchased a treadmill so we can exercise safely indoors. The cost was cheaper than joining a fitness club, but I won’t tell her that. That makes it sound contrived. On Valentinian I Day, I will lead her to our basement and reveal the treadmill. The music will be Let’s Get Physical by Olivia Newtonjohn. I will let you know how it goes.