Take your difficult dad out to dinner

This column was first published in 2005.

Dear Annie: My father turns 80 this year, and my three siblings and I were thinking of giving him a birthday party. We are doing this mostly out of obligation, as none of us enjoys my father’s company and hair-trigger temper.

My father lives four hours from me and even farther from my siblings. He has been married to my stepmother for 20 years, and we all adore her. My stepmother has a son, “Leo,” who is married with children and lives close to my father and his wife.

I mentioned to my father that we would like to have Leo and his family at the birthday party, and Dad exploded. He said if Leo comes, he will not attend. He went on to say he hates Leo and never wants to see him again.

My stepmother told me that Dad has felt this way for many years. She admitted that it makes her nervous when Leo calls because just the mention of his name sends my father into a tirade.

Annie, my father has never been a reasonable man. He is selfish and angry, blaming everyone else for his bad decisions.

I hate to see my stepmother suffer so much, even though I know it is her choice to stay with my father.

I would rather not have this party because we are doing it only out of guilt. What do you say? Dear Disgusted: If you choose to have this party, you do not have to include Leo. Your stepmother will understand. However, there is no reason you must celebrate this way. We vote to tell Dad the distance between all of you makes it too difficult to plan events. Take him out for a fancy dinner instead.